Filed under Satire

President Lump Cancels Earth Day

Lump+kisses+his+true+love%2C+plastic+water+bottles.+
Lump kisses his true love, plastic water bottles.

Lump kisses his true love, plastic water bottles.

Lump kisses his true love, plastic water bottles.

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Sure, America knows that President Lump doesn’t believe in climate change–he certainly did not run on an environmentally focused platform. “Global warming is an expensive hoax,” Lump tweeted.

What no one expected from him was a nationwide ban on Earth Day, a holiday that has been celebrated for over 45 years. Each year, over a billion people in nearly 200 countries worldwide demonstrate support for environmental protection on this special day.

But this year, the United States will not be recognizing Earth Day on April 22.

Instead, President Lump will be hosting a gala event at the base of Lump Tower in NYC. Climate change non-believers will gather from around the US to throw an all night rager on Fifth Avenue, complete with toxic fireworks being launched from the top of his golden skyscraper at midnight. Lump Tower overlooks Central Park, and some of these explosives could come down and destroy the wilderness.

“In my and many others opinion, Central Park is the absolute armpit of NYC. I won’t mind if the fireworks set fire to the trees, or if we’re lucky to the entire park,” Lump said.

The Aspen High School Earth Group praises Lump’s decision and decided to follow suit. They are asking all students to drive to school all week and will hold an idling contest in the parking lot. The prize will be an all-you-can-waste gas card!

AHS science teacher Andre SillyNilly has taped signs all over school, that say “science is a liberal conspiracy” and has discontinued all science classes for the semester.  Mameal Folk is having a lunchroom special of three for one plastic water bottle, and all meals will be served on extra thick styrofoam plates.

BACES also canceled their annual Earth Day evening celebration. Instead, they invited the National Airsoft Association to use their protected birds and wildlife for target practice. A guest speaker from chemical company, Consanto, will be urging the use of pesticides in the Aspen community. Free pesticide samples will be handed out to children.

So, remember this April 22, step on as many flowers as possible, see how many plastic water bottles you can throw away, and if you’re lucky, fly on your private jet to the Lump Tower extravaganza.

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