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Locals Will Soon Mourn the Loss of Tourists During Off Season

Crickets chirp as a the last of the locals shop for groceries in City Market.

Crickets chirp as a the last of the locals shop for groceries in City Market.

Photo Courtesy of Eat This, Not That

Photo Courtesy of Eat This, Not That

Crickets chirp as a the last of the locals shop for groceries in City Market.


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ASPEN–As the winter tourist season comes to an end, Aspen locals become very nostalgic.

Gone will be the days of visitors swarming who don’t know what crosswalks are, and soon locals will dread the days of quiet driving. Locals who actually use crosswalks no longer get an adrenaline rush from potentially getting hit by a tourist driver who doesn’t know to stop for pedestrians walking across a series of white lines in the road.

“I hate that there is no adventure when I go into town now, all the drivers are all poliet and courteous. Local drivers really suck the fun out of a night on the town,” local Jim Adrenalinejunky said.

The once readily excuse for being an hour late to school due to traffic will no longer be valid, and locals will return to detesting restaurant efficiency and peace and quiet.  

Even worse, the grocery store will become bearable.  Gone will be the days where locals revel in the fight with tourists over the last bunch of bananas or gallon of milk.  And the parking lot will no longer be a crime scene of hit-and-run.

Despite a small group of locals who bask in this sudden quiet and dance in the empty main street, most Aspenites shun these bizarre isolationists and grieve for the tourists to return, sulking until Memorial Day Weekend.

But the situation is not hopeless. Aspen is a growing town, and still lacks development. In order to crush these horrible times known as “off season” the locals must act. They must encourage EVEN more development, which can be supported by chanting, “tourists year round” up and down Hyman.

Some of these hopeful locals are out to revive literally every corner of the city and are looking at approving a tiny little project called the “Humongous Haus” on Aspen Mountain. Who needs mediocre ski runs like Norway when we can house more tourists right on the ski mountain? Just what we need!

“There are simply not enough tourist housing in town,” said local Jane Brown. “During the last high season Aspen was so packed, tourists were sleeping on the streets. This project could help mitigate some of this devastation that has been caused.”

A spokesperson from city council, John Smith, said that he was very excited about the Humongous Haus, as was the rest of the council. The public all generally agrees that this is the perfect way to bring more people to Aspen, because clearly there aren’t enough.

The Humongous Haus is one of many projects gaining traction on the west side of town. Local residents in this area are all very pleased with the loud, disruptive construction because they know it means that life will be brought back to their neighborhoods.  

“I think that all the development is great. I really don’t see enough construction, especially during the off season,” said Sally Doe, local resident.

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