SATIRE — Wandering around Aspen, Colorado in midwinter you may run into your typical tourist. Standing at around five feet tall it’s covered from head to toe in fur; hat, jacket, shoes, and sometimes even gloves. No folks, it isn’t a bear or a moose, but these critters are much more common to find along the streets of Aspen in the peak of winter. Locals call them furrists, and although they may seem friendly, public safety encourages you to take certain precautions when coming into contact with a furrist.

It is easy to spot these critters all over Aspen, from in a coffee shop drinking a tall, nonfat latte with caramel drizzle, to wandering the streets between Louis Vuitton and Ralph Lauren, you may even have a rendezvous on the ski slopes. They are usually cordial, but never put yourself in a position where you have to deal with an aggravated furrist.

Local Ben Heresincebirth comments on his general experience with all furrists and what you should do in an encounter.

“I once stood face to face with a furrist. My advice is to try to keep your cool, they’re usually more scared of you than you are of them. The fur makes them seem more frightening than they actually are. And of course, if you see them on the slopes, just steer clear because they could fall and take you out at any time.”

The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) also suggests a list of certain precautions that should be taken when coming into contact with a Furrist. National Park Ranger at White River National Forest, Leavno Trace, told us what to do in a confrontation.

“Here in our national parks, we have a huge furrist problem. They come in many different shapes and sizes, but they all have the same agenda. They can be kind of a nuisance because no one knows how to deal with them properly. They don’t listen to you and sometimes will react in ways that are usually uncalled for. If you are face to face with a furrist, this is what you should do; 1. Remain calm, furrists can sense your fear, 2. Keep eye contact, you want them in your line of vision at all times 3. Do not raise your voice as it may startle the furrist 4. If all else fails, kindly direct them to the nearest Gucci store.”