Upper-classmen now get Fastpass to cafe line

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Cinema ticket

Ever since the AHS cafe opened in 1863, there has been an unrelenting“cutting” of the line by those of social hierarchy, specifically composing of the juniors and seniors.

As more and more students are discovering their ability to get away with passing all the “losers” who actually wait in line, the trend is becoming more popular among upperclassmen. Each year, this tradition also comes with widespread upset among AHS staff members, though no one really understands why this is.

Senior Tay Tay G Money first started cutting the cafe line junior year once she noticed that she then had optimal power in the school to take advantage of.

“One time, I was about to give my number to Mister to buy a pumpkin muffin and some little gremlin who I had just cut tried to buy their snack before me, as if in protest of the inevitable. I don’t really remember what happened, but from deep within the crevices of my subconscious, I found myself round-house kicking this freshman and knocking them to the floor,” G Money said while smiling and reminiscing.

After years of consistent disparagement of such actions by teachers like Straussdog and AOB, the Lunch Duty Committee has finally succumbed to allowing upperclassmen to cut the Cafe Line, but not without a price.

“I’ve had to take precious time out of my day every day to stand by the cafe and stop stuck-up upperclassmen from cutting everyone else and directing them to their rightful place in the back of the line,” Straussdog said. “I’ve had it. I figured, why not make some cash off this? Overcharge ‘em and fix the sewage issues?”

And so she prompted Mister to start selling ‘Cafe Fast Passes’ to AHS juniors and seniors. For juniors, a fast pass costs ten dollars, and for seniors, five dollars. So far, about 64% of the upperclassmen student body has purchased a fast pass.

Junior Ellie Floorman, has been cutting the cafe line like a boss since she was a sophomore and purchased a fast pass the second she found out she could.

“I get weird looks from underclassmen and teachers every time I stand in the “fast lane” on the left side of the cafe general vicinity. I wanted something to show for it, to justify my actions, so I got one and I am stoked!,” Floorman said.

G Money, on the other hand, is not down for the Fast Pass and in protest of this, she did not purchase one and continues to cut the cafe line with little regard for what teachers and underclassmen think.

“I will not buy something that lets me do something I already have the right to do. I didn’t put that hoodlum in a neck brace just to pay five whole dollars for some stupid pass… Stupid,” G Money said.