The student news site of Aspen High School

THE SKIER SCRIBBLER

Lululemon Takeover

Lululemon Takeover

Madison Osberger-Low, Staff Writer

April 9, 2015


Filed under Satire

Lululemon has been selected as the official clothing supplier for all AHS student uniforms. The popular retailer, easily identifiable by its horseshoe- like logo, could become as familiar as the Nike “swoosh” given its association with AHS, said company president Joanna Rockefeller. “We have...

AHS STUDENTS ALREADY PREPARING FOR EXCITING FUTURES

Harry Kahn, Staff Writer

April 7, 2015


Filed under Satire

In the modern day pedagogical system, the college admission process is a simple, straightforward experience. Admission to the most prestigious schools is pretty much guaranteed if students follow the rubric created by the Aspen High School college counseling office.  As explained by the AHS college...

Mr.P to Fight ISIS?

Charlie Van Allen, Staff Writer

April 7, 2015


Filed under Satire

As you all know, the iconic English teacher, Andy “Mr.P” Popinchalk, will be retiring at the end of this school year. The question is what will Mr.P do after 25 years of teaching English at AHS? In a recent interview he told me what he plans on doing, and it’s not what you’d expect. “On...

RFTA Announces New Schedule Changes

RFTA Announces New Schedule Changes

Nathaniel Karbank, News Editor

April 7, 2015


Filed under Satire

Roaring Fork Transportation Authority has recently implemented a new and improved schedule as of March 12. This allows drivers to leisurely wait around all day and decide the times that they think the buses need to run, with little to no adherence to the publicly posted schedules. Drivers began to picket...

The Final Standoff: Mr. P vs. Kirk

The Final Standoff: Mr. P vs. Kirk

Ryer Gardenswartz, Staff Writer

April 7, 2015


Filed under Satire

For the past 32 years, Mr. P and Kirk have ruled the school. They have been wandering the halls and giving out difficult test before we were even born. Heck, they probably were around when the famous breakfast bagel was invented. Students know them for their teaching, personality, and their countless...

What’s Your Horoscope?

Katherine Doherty, Design Editor

April 7, 2015


Filed under Satire

Aries: March 21-April 19 This month you will either meet your one true love or trip over a trash can while staring at another couple in love.   Taurus: April 20-May 20 This month you will become interested in a new hobby, like pottery or collecting used socks.   Gemini: May 21-June 20 ...

AHS Takes Drastic Measures to Solve Traffic PTSD

AHS Takes Drastic Measures to Solve Traffic PTSD

Laura Wolf, Staff Writer

April 7, 2015


Filed under Satire

At 3:20 P.M. everyday hoards of teenagers can be seen sprinting from AHS in order to be the first ones to vacate the campus and avoid the mile long line of cars trying to leave. After various incidents of students crashing into structures out of traffic frustration, the administration has hired a psychiatrist....

AHS Refuses Standardized Tests for “Well Being”

AHS Refuses Standardized Tests for “Well Being”

Jessica Tyler, Editor

April 7, 2015


Filed under Satire

ASD recently decided to ignore the numbers provided by the PARCC exams, the ACT, and CMAS tests, in order to ensure students enjoy their high school experience. Usually the second week in March is allotted to standardized testing; however, this year students will spend that week traveling to Crestone...

Ask Olivia

Olivia Oksenhorn, Staff Writer

April 7, 2015


Filed under Satire

Dear Olivia, I feel as if the prices are getting too fair at lunch. I mean, last year I used to get a discount because I’m blond and cute and now, I don’t even get fifty cents off my breakfast bagel. It’s an outrage! How can I get my discount back? - Sad Sophomore Dear Sad Sophomore, Hate ...

AHS Teacher Take a Lunch Break to Light Up

AHS Teacher Take a Lunch Break to Light Up

Jordana Rothberg, Staff Writer

April 7, 2015


Filed under Satire

Recently spotted by AHS students attempting to do the same thing, several teachers were busted crossing the Tiehack Bridge to smoke. After being followed, it became clear that the teachers had been hiding marijuana in their undergarments to go light up together at lunch. “Well, now that we have...

Lunchroom Report

Nathaniel Karbank, Staff Writer, Online Newspaper Poster Extrodinare

May 5, 2014


Filed under Satire

Many of the students at Aspen High School believe that the food they receive from the so-called “Chef Jeff” is tasty as well as relatively healthy, but what they’re about to find out is shocking. In a recent report lead by the head of the science department, students found out that the food...

AHS Students Miss Meeting with CEO of Barclays Due to Shopping

AHS Students Miss Meeting with CEO of Barclays Due to Shopping

Caroline DeRosa, Editor

April 2, 2014


Filed under Satire

Eight lucky AHS students this year were offered an all-expense paid business trip to New York City, replete with meeting with the top private equity firms, a visit to the New York Stock Exchange, unlimited shopping sprees, flying privately, and eating at Manhattan’s finest restaurants. “Basically...