THE SKIER SCRIBBLER

AHS Takes Drastic Measures to Solve Traffic PTSD

AHS Takes Drastic Measures to Solve Traffic PTSD

Laura Wolf, Staff Writer

April 7, 2015


Filed under Satire

At 3:20 P.M. everyday hoards of teenagers can be seen sprinting from AHS in order to be the first ones to vacate the campus and avoid the mile long line of cars trying to leave. After various incidents of students crashing into structures out of traffic frustration, the administration has hired a psychiatrist....

AHS Refuses Standardized Tests for “Well Being”

AHS Refuses Standardized Tests for “Well Being”

Jessica Tyler, Editor

April 7, 2015


Filed under Satire

ASD recently decided to ignore the numbers provided by the PARCC exams, the ACT, and CMAS tests, in order to ensure students enjoy their high school experience. Usually the second week in March is allotted to standardized testing; however, this year students will spend that week traveling to Crestone...

Ask Olivia

Olivia Oksenhorn, Staff Writer

April 7, 2015


Filed under Satire

Dear Olivia, I feel as if the prices are getting too fair at lunch. I mean, last year I used to get a discount because I’m blond and cute and now, I don’t even get fifty cents off my breakfast bagel. It’s an outrage! How can I get my discount back? - Sad Sophomore Dear Sad Sophomore, Hate ...

AHS Teacher Take a Lunch Break to Light Up

AHS Teacher Take a Lunch Break to Light Up

Jordana Rothberg, Staff Writer

April 7, 2015


Filed under Satire

Recently spotted by AHS students attempting to do the same thing, several teachers were busted crossing the Tiehack Bridge to smoke. After being followed, it became clear that the teachers had been hiding marijuana in their undergarments to go light up together at lunch. “Well, now that we have...

Lunchroom Report

Nathaniel Karbank, Staff Writer, Online Newspaper Poster Extrodinare

May 5, 2014


Filed under Satire

Many of the students at Aspen High School believe that the food they receive from the so-called “Chef Jeff” is tasty as well as relatively healthy, but what they’re about to find out is shocking. In a recent report lead by the head of the science department, students found out that the food...

AHS Students Miss Meeting with CEO of Barclays Due to Shopping

AHS Students Miss Meeting with CEO of Barclays Due to Shopping

Caroline DeRosa, Editor

April 2, 2014


Filed under Satire

Eight lucky AHS students this year were offered an all-expense paid business trip to New York City, replete with meeting with the top private equity firms, a visit to the New York Stock Exchange, unlimited shopping sprees, flying privately, and eating at Manhattan’s finest restaurants. “Basically...

Students Still Able to Function After ACT Scores Released

Students Still Able to Function After ACT Scores Released

Jessica Tyler, Editor

April 2, 2014


Filed under Satire, Uncategorized

Monday February 24, the day after February ACT scores posted online, the junior class at AHS had a ninety seven percent attendance rate, which was actually higher than any school day so far this year, and all the students at school managed to complete the day without having any meltdowns and or hospital...

Journalism Students Demand Payment

Journalism Students Demand Payment

Audrey Sichel, Striking Reporter

April 2, 2014


Filed under Satire

“We want pay to write about your day!” Senior Matthew Sovich yelled as he led the journalism class in protest. Recently the AHS journalism class has been boycotting the paper due to no payment for their articles. In the past three months, there has been no Skier Scribbler and the community is...

AHS Releases Simplified Schedule for July 2014

AHS Releases Simplified Schedule for July 2014

Stella Kaplan, Staff Writer

April 1, 2014


Filed under Satire

   Do you ever go home feeling like you didn’t get enough time socializing in the commons or learn a sufficient number of new math equations?  Ever feel like you just don’t spend enough time at school? The ASD board and administartion has been debating for years now how to produce the best ed...

AHS Makes a Big Change for Math Department

AHS Makes a Big Change for Math Department

Tess Schaftel, Boss

April 1, 2014


Filed under Satire

This upcoming 2014-2015 school year, Aspen High School is enforcing its “Only Math” program. This initiative is designed to make sure Aspen kids never fall behind in their math studies and always stay at least four grade levels ahead. Their schedule will consist of eight math periods with a twenty-five...

Aspen High School Hires Recently Released Champ Bailey as New Head Football Coach

Aspen High School Hires Recently Released Champ Bailey as New Head Football Coach

Matt Sovich, Sports Guy

April 1, 2014


Filed under Satire

Aspen High will be joining selective company when they officially introduce former All Pro and future Hall of Fame cornerback Champ Bailey as the new head football coach. Aspen will join Valor Christian High as the only high school programs in the state with ex-professional football player’s as coaches....

Middle School News

Jordan Cramer, Middle School Correspondent

April 1, 2014


Filed under Satire, Uncategorized

Train Tracks on Teeth Middle school is that time of your life where you go in for monthly orthodontist appointments and pick colors for your braces that most exemplify your personality. 7th grader Jessica Frank is one of the many students in her class that struts metal on their teeth. “My favorite color i...