SATIRE — Aspen Snow Corporation, also known as SnowCo, owns all four Aspen mountains and has a very reasonable current stock valuation of only about a hundred times the average Aspen house price, which is certainly a fair evaluator and not 1,000% as much as the rest of the United States. In a shocking move on Friday, however, Vail Resorts bought out Aspen Snow Corporation for $1,000,000,000 – about 12.5% of SnowCo’s actual valuation, but still a very high price for some chairlift-studded volcanoes. It is unknown why SnowCo officials agreed to the purchase, although an undisclosed source suspects that “a lot of whiskey, bribes, and a couple of Russian dudes” were involved.
“We truly believe in an accessible, affordable skiing experience,” said a Vail Resorts spokesperson in front of a crowd chanting, “Vail ruins skiing!” The spokesperson addressed the crowd about the Aspen buyout, saying, “Yes, we destroyed Whistler, and Mount Sunapee, and yeah, maybe Arapahoe Basin left the Epic pass group because they said we ruined skiing – but we’re not doing that this time!”
Vail Resorts followed the spokesperson’s statement with a press release that it will raise prices ‘temporarily’ by 300% at Aspen to recover its investment in the mountains. It also announced that it would raise the prices of on-mountain food to ‘New York City-apartment levels’, a move widely criticized by everyone from skiers and patrollers to communists across the globe.
“They forgot to limit me speaking out against them in my contract,” SnowCo CEO Chef Whippersnapper said. “Down with Vail! Long love Aspen.”
No one was quite sure of how the CEO, who signed a noncompete, would help Vail’s downfall, but the people of Aspen are waiting with bated breath.
“I think he’ll just make everyone forget about skiing with his mind control,” said an Aspen resident who prefers to stay unnamed because “that’s how the aliens get you.”
Luckily for our resident conspiracy theorist, a non-mind-control bailout may also be on the way. A man known for low prices, supporting the common people, and efficiency above all else, Melon Usk, proposed that he buy Snow Company. In a proposal called, “A Fork in The Road: Part 3,” the efficiency officer offered to sell X (formerly Twitter) to Vail in exchange for the Aspen mountains, which he would make “totally free for everyone and definitely not private,” according to translated legalese in the proposal. Vail Resorts has yet to issue a response, but if they agree, then Aspen just may be saved.
