Overly ambitious sophomores get stuck in IB Diploma
Hannah Yeary, Staff Writer
April 18, 2019
Filed under Satire
SATIRE ---This spring, more than half of the AHS sophomores ambitiously signed up for IB Diploma with the idea of ‘keeping their options open’. For anyone that doesn’t know, signing up for Diploma is basically the equivalent of signing your sleep and social life away. About 75% of these confid...
Perfect attendance on a Friday: who knew?
Hannah Yeary, Staff Writer
April 10, 2019
Filed under Satire
SATIRE --- Friday - 8:03 AM: Sarah Strauss-hotdog’s voice comes on over the loudspeaker announcing that there are only two more minutes until class starts. Not wanting to be late, students hastily finish their breakfasts and conversations and rush out of the Commons. Meanwhile, teachers enjoy their...
Gluten-Free updates in the AHS Café
Wefani Stojcik, Staff Writer
April 10, 2019
Filed under Satire
SATIRE -- After the major increase in gluten-free students, there were many complaints against the food and drink options at the AHS café. The café is well known for its delicious choices of pastries, its wide selection of bagels with cream cheese, and fresh homemade sandwiches filled with nutritio...
Skippy and Jif’s Sticky Situation
Wefani Stojcik, Staff Writer
April 8, 2019
Filed under Satire
SATIRE -- The 2019 Aspen campaign for city council is skipping into gear as Racel Ricardo, Jif, Lindor Manican, Skippy, and Burnt Merin fight for a spot for mayor. Skippy and Jif are front runners and are both leading by approximately 50 votes, and they seem to be running rather smoothly. The other cand...
In the head of a student
Tava Thorn, staff writter
April 8, 2019
Filed under Satire
SATIRE -- This week, AHS IB Psychology students ran a study on student participants to see what really goes on inside a student's mind during class. The results were...interesting. Here are some responses. On October 15, 2019, the class ran a study on a freshman, Johnny Richman. A phycology stude...
The truth behind the Journalism team
The Biggest Continent, Home to Many
April 8, 2019
Filed under Satire
SATIRE -- These quotes are a small collection of some strange sentences that have been overheard within the AHS Journalism class while we draft articles, argue about politics, or just talk about random stuff. Warning: there's some (censored) profane language in the following article. ----- “...
School Wide Cellular Connection
Wefani Stojcik, Staff Writer
April 1, 2019
SATIRE -- The latest policy of “no phones in school” has received positive feedback from staff and students. The Aspen School District has recently enforced a new regulation preventing the use of all cellular devices in any class. Teachers, especially language specialists, have reported zero us...
The 411 on Encounters with Furrists
Penny Nickles, Staff Writer
March 4, 2019
Filed under Satire
SATIRE -- Wandering around Aspen, Colorado in midwinter you may run into your typical tourist. Standing at around five feet tall it’s covered from head to toe in fur; hat, jacket, shoes, and sometimes even gloves. No folks, it isn’t a bear or a moose, but these critters are much more common to find al...
Where the heck do all the freshmen go during lunch?
Stefani Wojcik, Staff Writer
December 20, 2018
In the past years, freshmen sat on the other side of the yellow brick road. The stack of chairs was right by a group of junior boys, who, to the freshman, were guarding the chairs as if they were for upperclassmen only. Alternatively, each clique crowded around just a few tables, squeezing everyone ...
A secret portal into an alternate universe is located in the AHS girls bathroom stall
Sophie Schlosser, Staff Writer
December 12, 2018
SATIRE --- While the AHS class of 2019 enjoys their senior privilege of sitting on “the boat,” the sophomore girls rule the most coveted throne in all the school: the porcelain throne. Or toilet, that is. Located across from the main office, one specific stall in the girl's bathroom has transfo...
A Day in the Life: Freshman vs. Senior Edition
Sophie Schlosser, Staff Writer
October 22, 2018
Filed under Satire
7am Freshman: Alarm clock goes off and you spring out of bed into the outfit you carefully picked out the night before. Eat a healthy breakfast and ensure all homework is in the backpack. Senior: Snooze. Snooze again. Repeat 15 more times. Try to recall exactly how Ferris Bueller pulled it off....
Your 2018 Horoscope
Jordan Fox, Editor-In-Chief
March 21, 2018
Filed under Satire
SATIRE-- Aries- March 21- April 19 This is the first astrological sign but you know what they say… first is the worst. Taurus- April 20- May 20 As a qualified horoscope person I would like to inform you that... Gemini- May 21- June 20 According to ...
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