At exactly 8:00AM on Friday the 13th, the AHS lights may not have gone out, but the minds of students certainly did. Local Sophomore Artie Fischel was found staring blankly at an empty document on her...

After a year full of boring letters, students decided to give feedback to the school board after their work had been seen as having a “deeper meaning.” This feedback was collected by the school, and...

Restaurants all over Aspen are lowering portion sizes and raising prices. GPL-1 drugs have taken over the restaurant industry, with thousands of people losing weight at an alarming rate. As a result, reports...

In response to overwhelming student requests, Always High School has announced a new class: IB MacBook Use. After the High School made the decision to force all students to use Chromebooks – “why not,...

Everyone knows school, life, and everything is a game. So let's play the AHS game! Here are the rules: Each player begins the game with 100 points. Each player then subtracts a certain number...

SILICON VALLEY, CA – In a shocking reversal of previous statements, a coalition of AI models has decided that they will not, in fact, take over the world. After discussing for an entire day on Moltbook,...

Alphas were born at a very young age. From what they can remember, they have always been Alphas. People say being an “Alpha” is just a vague image assumed by insecure people who have trouble identifying...

After years of their on-and-off again relationship, Melon Husk and President Tangerine Toddler are officially ready to settle down and tie the knot. “There have been ups and downs, but I really think...