Major Cancellations
Stef Wojcik, Staff Writer
April 16, 2020
SATIRE -- Due to COVID-19, Don Trunk has added to the national list of event cancellations to help follow the stay at home guidelines. On Saturday, April 11th, President Trunk delivered a speech regarding the new termination of activities and jobs in time for the Easter celebrations. “I regret to...
Teachers receive pay raise
Stef Wojcik, Staff Writer
April 1, 2020
SATIRE - Just recently, AHS teachers received a salary increase of one million dollars per year. A couple of weeks ago, for an unknown reason, forty teachers requested substitutes on the exact same day forcing most students to cram into one classroom while all independently trying to complete their work....
Students sell Ex Ed points
Elsie Weiss, Writer
April 1, 2020
SATIRE - AHS junior, Alex Honeycrisp, and four of his friends were recently caught selling ExEd points. The case will be taken to the U.S. Supreme Court in late March. The five suspects were caught cornering students in the bathrooms during access and free periods to convince them to buy their points. Starting...
Toad becomes new sub
Sophia Greiper, Staff Writer
April 1, 2020
SATIRE - Due to the recent shortage of substitute teachers, the administration has had to come up with creative solutions, most notably, Toad, the service dog of ASD, becoming a substitute teacher. SATIRE - Toad attended Pupcago University in Chicago, Illinois, where he majored in Latin languages...
Horoscopes
Sophia Greiper, Staff Writer
April 1, 2020
SATIRE - Horoscope Aries: I know that you are the first sign, just don't get all cocky, it doesn't make you better. Taurus: The stars are saying that you don’t like change, so I suggest that you lock yourself in your room and never, ever come out. Gemini: As a professional Astrologist, I would...
Corona virus, inside Job?
Brenon Reed, Staff Writer
April 1, 2020
SATIRE---Some new information has been leaked on Chinese twitter about new information about the real source of the coronavirus outbreak, Two months before Russian spies infiltrated 3 labs in a 30-mile radius of the initial outbreak in Wuhan, China. Due to the nations leader, Ronald Drumpf, and his...
Gun Girl turned socialist
Ava Cherry, Staff Writer
April 1, 2020
SATIRE - Krent State Gun Girl, Katie Bonnet, Becomes Socialist in Lieu of free diapers. Recently, the 2020 Presidential Candidate, Hernia Panders, has added the push for free adult diapers to his political agenda. As a 78-year-old man, Sanders has come to know just how useful and necessary adult diapers...
Is Kidz Bop taking over the world?
Phoenix Leeking, Writer
April 1, 2020
SATIRE - Since the early 2000’s the Kidz Bop Kidz have been slowly taking over the world with their covers of pop songs. From K-Pop to Rap, Kidz Bop has been sweeping the nation with their soul full singing and dancing skills. On November 15, 2019, they released Kidz Bop 40 including songs like...
SEE curriculum helps students emotionally
Emily Kinney, News Editor
April 1, 2020
SATIRE - Since its implementation in the 2018-2019 school year, the SEE curriculum has helped hundreds of students across AHS. Some even say it has changed their lives entirely. The SEE curriculum, SEE standing for social, emotional, and ethical, was created by the Dalai Alpacca to help students with...
Students steal every student flies plane
Kaelyn Kroeger, Staff Writer
April 1, 2020
SATIRE - Tuesday afternoon two AHS students, who are to remain anonymous, stole and successfully flew one of the Every Student Flies Program’s planes all the way to La Paz, Mexico. These two students signed up for the Every Student Flies Program in early November and were adequately taught how to...
Seniors pleased with no school
Maeve McGuire, Editor-in-Chief
April 1, 2020
SATIRE- March – Aspen, Colorado: The weather finally starts to warm, the long-awaited Spring sports seasons begin, and the increasingly unmotivated seniors eagerly await graduation. Having already been accepted into colleges, completing all local scholarship applications, and beginning to review for...
TikTok brainwashes students to become Chinese soilders
Ally Williams, Writer
April 1, 2020
SATIRE- TikTok has taken over the world…literally. Tik Tok was originally called Musical.ly, which had been quite a success--having around 200 million users by 2017. It had a similar concept to Tik Tok, though it shut down a few years later. Musical.ly assumed the name Tik Tok, for reasons unknown....