A secret portal into an alternate universe is located in the AHS girls bathroom stall
Sophie Schlosser, Staff Writer
December 12, 2018
SATIRE --- While the AHS class of 2019 enjoys their senior privilege of sitting on “the boat,” the sophomore girls rule the most coveted throne in all the school: the porcelain throne. Or toilet, that is. Located across from the main office, one specific stall in the girl's bathroom has transfo...
A Day in the Life: Freshman vs. Senior Edition
Sophie Schlosser, Staff Writer
October 22, 2018
Filed under Satire
7am Freshman: Alarm clock goes off and you spring out of bed into the outfit you carefully picked out the night before. Eat a healthy breakfast and ensure all homework is in the backpack. Senior: Snooze. Snooze again. Repeat 15 more times. Try to recall exactly how Ferris Bueller pulled it off....
Your 2018 Horoscope
Jordan Fox, Editor-In-Chief
March 21, 2018
Filed under Satire
SATIRE-- Aries- March 21- April 19 This is the first astrological sign but you know what they say… first is the worst. Taurus- April 20- May 20 As a qualified horoscope person I would like to inform you that... Gemini- May 21- June 20 According to ...
First Men’s March reaches AHS
Maeve McGuire, Staff Writer
March 21, 2018
Filed under Satire
SATIRE --- On January 21, the first annual Men’s March- lead by Harvey Weinstein and Larry Nassar- transpired all across the nation. Several AHS students, along with many members of the community, engaged in the movement. They marched down Main Street, carrying offensive signs, and chanting obnoxious m...
Graduates say SohCahToa is useful in real life
Jordan Fox, Editor-In-Chief
March 21, 2018
Filed under Satire
SATIRE--During a recent graduate panel, AHS alumni Mat Nerd ‘14, declared that SohCAhToa, an acronym that helps students remember trigonometric identities, has been the most helpful and applicable thing he learned in high school. “I use it all the time!” Nerd said. “I am currently working at Mcdo...
AHS rolls out new transportation program
Sam Kahn, News Editor
March 21, 2018
Filed under Satire
SATIRE--Today, first period was interrupted when a group of middle school students found the dead, frozen body of an AHS student on the path leading from the AMS parking lot to the doors of AHS. Authorities have announced that the student suffered from hypothermia before freezing to death while walki...
Is weed what we need?
Aja Schiller, Staff Writer
March 21, 2018
Filed under Satire
AHS’s Intro to Cooking class is getting a curriculum makeover. Students will now be required to buy themselves an Easy Bake Oven for the course and the school will provide everything else-- including the marijuana. Easy Bake Ovens are easily accessible and AHS wants the students to be able to take...
And sugar, we’re going down swinging
Aja Schiller, Staff Writer
March 21, 2018
Filed under Satire
The AHS cafeteria staff and administration has made the decision to cut out all possibly addictive foods from the cafe and hot lunch menus. The majority of the products previously sold are no longer offered. The only food products left now are almond packets and water bottles, and the water bottles w...
Kylie Jenner’s Baby Has Gotten Plastic Surgery
Bella Hoffman, Staff Writer
March 13, 2018
Filed under Satire
Social media star and owner of the famous Kylie Cosmetics makeup brand, Kylie Jenner has just given birth to a baby girl who has had plastic surgery. Baby Stormi popped out of the womb with a glamorous face of makeup, complete with lip injections. Kylie is creating lots of controversy over her baby’...
Donald Trump Issues New Exectutive Order: The Approaved Hairstyle Act
Tessa Guthrie, Staff Writer
March 13, 2018
Filed under Satire
On Friday March 2, 2018 Trump passed an executive order called the “Approved Hairstyle Act,” The order stated that everyone in the country must pick from an approved list of hairstyles or they will be punished by a fine of $100,000 for each day they do not change their hair. The order was inspired...
AHS Welcomes the New Teacher Gun Law with Open Arms
Tatum Diemer, Staff Writer
March 9, 2018
Filed under Satire
SATIRE--On March 1, 2018, a round of cheering and applause erupted through Aspen High School as it was announced that teachers would now be permitted to carry guns on school property. The administrative board at AHS has been pushing for the ‘Teacher Gun’ bill since 2002, and have finally achieved...
The New Camouflage Trend: Where is Everyone?
Kaelyn Kroeger, Staff Writer
February 14, 2018
Filed under Satire
SATIRE --- The camouflage trend is causing mass panic as people around the world are going missing. Nowadays, people wear camo as a fashion statement, but the real question is: is it fashionable if you can’t see them? The trend is growing increasingly popular, but the people who take part in it ar...
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