How to pay for college 101
Katelyn O'Callaghan, Staff Writer
April 30, 2019
SATIRE--With the rising rates of College tuition, students are now opting out of traditional ways to pay for College. A recent study from the U.S. Department of College Education has found that 55 percent of college students no longer pay for their tuition through students loans and scholarships, ...
BAKE SALE GONE WRONG
Katelyn O'Callaghan, Staff Writer
April 30, 2019
SATIRE --- The world came crashing down Tuesday night when local mom Jill Baker brought store-bought cupcakes to the Newhaven Elementary school bake sale. “I was desperate. I’m a terrible baker- and I just got so sick and tired of bringing my best work and having the other moms talk trash be...
Scientists are done
Katelyn O'Callaghan, Staff Writer
April 30, 2019
SATIRE--BREAKING NEWS- Scientists declared that they have given up. All scientific research and practices will no longer be in effect in the United States. Scientist reached their limit when President Cheeto 45 signed off on the Anti-Paris Climate treaty, a plan to increase carbon emissions by 78% ...
The day in the life of a tall person
Hannah Yeary, Staff Writer
April 30, 2019
SATIRE --- Living as a tall person (a state of being): the constant state of dealing with stupid questions, being asked to grab objects on a high shelf, and actually being able to see over crowds. Every day consists of pretty much the same problems of being a tall person: running into trees, try...
The Black (and Red) Death
Sophie Schlosser, Staff Writer
April 26, 2019
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “senioritis” as: “Sen·ior·i·tis: /sēnyəˈrīdəs/noun: a supposed affliction of students in their final year of high school or college, characterized by a decline in motivation or performance.” Are you @?!*!&# kidding me? Way to sugar coat it, M...
The IKON Pass positives
Emily Kinney, Staff Writer
April 26, 2019
We’ve all heard it at one point this season; “The IKON Pass has ruined skiing.” This phrase has been mumbled under people’s breath while waiting in ski lines, said to other locals as we pass each other in the street, or full out screamed in frustration in the privacy of a gondola. But could the IKO...
Overly ambitious sophomores get stuck in IB Diploma
Hannah Yeary, Staff Writer
April 18, 2019
SATIRE ---This spring, more than half of the AHS sophomores ambitiously signed up for IB Diploma with the idea of ‘keeping their options open’. For anyone that doesn’t know, signing up for Diploma is basically the equivalent of signing your sleep and social life away. About 75% of these confid...
Perfect attendance on a Friday: who knew?
Hannah Yeary, Staff Writer
April 10, 2019
SATIRE --- Friday - 8:03 AM: Sarah Strauss-hotdog’s voice comes on over the loudspeaker announcing that there are only two more minutes until class starts. Not wanting to be late, students hastily finish their breakfasts and conversations and rush out of the Commons. Meanwhile, teachers enjoy their...
Gluten-Free updates in the AHS Café
Wefani Stojcik, Staff Writer
April 10, 2019
SATIRE -- After the major increase in gluten-free students, there were many complaints against the food and drink options at the AHS café. The café is well known for its delicious choices of pastries, its wide selection of bagels with cream cheese, and fresh homemade sandwiches filled with nutritio...
Skippy and Jif’s Sticky Situation
Wefani Stojcik, Staff Writer
April 8, 2019
SATIRE -- The 2019 Aspen campaign for city council is skipping into gear as Racel Ricardo, Jif, Lindor Manican, Skippy, and Burnt Merin fight for a spot for mayor. Skippy and Jif are front runners and are both leading by approximately 50 votes, and they seem to be running rather smoothly. The other cand...
In the head of a student
Tava Thorn, staff writter
April 8, 2019
SATIRE -- This week, AHS IB Psychology students ran a study on student participants to see what really goes on inside a student's mind during class. The results were...interesting. Here are some responses. On October 15, 2019, the class ran a study on a freshman, Johnny Richman. A phycology stude...
The truth behind the Journalism team
The Biggest Continent, Home to Many
April 8, 2019
SATIRE -- These quotes are a small collection of some strange sentences that have been overheard within the AHS Journalism class while we draft articles, argue about politics, or just talk about random stuff. Warning: there's some (censored) profane language in the following article. ----- “...
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