THE SKIER SCRIBBLER

AfterGen Decides to Buy Up All Aspen Properties

AfterGen Decides to Buy Up All Aspen Properties

Madison Osberger-Low, Sports Editor

January 13, 2018


Filed under Satire

SATIRE-- As Landy Chalk’s occupation as a professor of literature came to a close, he became distraught by the threats to his home and future living conditions. Turns out, Chalk had every right to be afraid. The AfterGen group that is tailored to millennials’ needs had asked the local government ...

Deadly Snake is Petrifying Students With Fear

January 9, 2018


Filed under Satire

SATIRE-- Professor Travis Riddle had a rough week after his snake escaped his chambers and began roaming around the school. Though he claims that the the snake is harmless and knows right from wrong,  students have been  avoiding the science wing of the school because they don’t trust the snake’...

Procrastination – The Key to Happiness

Procrastination – The Key to Happiness

Niko Hansen, Staff Writer

January 9, 2018


Filed under Satire

SATIRE - After having lived sixteen successful and rewarding years on this planet, and after having walked the halls of Aspen high school for almost 5 months, I can confidently say that I have discovered the key to happiness. Now, you might think, what is this secret to happiness? To me, it’s quite...

Aspen Ski Bums and Ski Co are Thriving With Less Snow on the Slopes

Aspen Ski Bums and Ski Co are Thriving With Less Snow on the Slopes

Bella Hoffman, Staff Writer

January 9, 2018


Filed under Satire

SATIRE ---  The color white is so last year and the color green is coming in hot this season. Aspen ski bums are having a rad season with less snow upon the cliffs. The local skiers have ultimately decided that skiing on grass is much more fun. The temperatures may be cold, but the snowless slopes a...

AHS Starts Fight Club for Finals Stress Relief

AHS Starts Fight Club for Finals Stress Relief

Tatum Diemer, Staff Writer

January 8, 2018


Filed under Satire

SATIRE --- As finals continue to creep closer, the average student’s stress levels begins to rise. When dealing with an overwhelming amount of stress, many students find it difficult to function on a daily basis due to symptoms that affect a person’s cognitive, behavioral, physical, and emotional aspects...

High School Senior Suspended For Accidentally Staring At Freshman

Jordan Fox, Editor-In-Chief

November 28, 2017


Filed under Satire

Aspen High School has reached a new level of anarchy, and efforts by the administration have left one senior suspended. Last week AHS senior, Adam Smith, looked at a freshman in a rude way. “I was dozing off in class and started thinking about the neverending pile of work that continues to accumula...

Goodnight Moon or Goodnight Students?

Goodnight Moon or Goodnight Students?

Madison Osberger-Low, Staff Writer

April 18, 2017


Filed under Satire

ASPEN-- On March 10, AHS staff and alumni finally signed off on the first-ever Space Shuttle to the moon. The expedition will be on Saturday, April 1, just in time to paint the shuttle with a new logo, “Get high or fly straight to the moon.” This year, moon exploration will finally be an after...

Locals Will Soon Mourn the Loss of Tourists During Off Season

Locals Will Soon Mourn the Loss of Tourists During Off Season

Chloe Brettmann, Staff Writer

April 7, 2017


Filed under Satire

ASPEN--As the winter tourist season comes to an end, Aspen locals become very nostalgic. Gone will be the days of visitors swarming who don’t know what crosswalks are, and soon locals will dread the days of quiet driving. Locals who actually use crosswalks no longer get an adrenaline rush from pote...

The World’s Best News Channel: SNL

The World’s Best News Channel: SNL

Jordan Fox, Online Editor

April 1, 2017


Filed under Satire

New polling has a dramatic change in how Americans get their news.  Laughing along to Kate McKinnon’s funny impersonations, families across America have turned to SNL for their weekly news briefings. Regular news programs like CNN, BBC, Fox News, and NBC have either scaled back their news programs...

Timeline of 2017 as Told by Alternative Facts

Timeline of 2017 as Told by Alternative Facts

Jordan Fox, Online Editor

April 1, 2017


Filed under Satire

January 21- President Trumps first executive order bans Americans from eating cake February 1- Meryl Streep dies at age 67 after being crushed by all her trophies February 3- Harambe’s child is revealed to the world February 4- Riots break out as zoo refused to build separate protective en...

School on a Beach?

Madison Thomsen, Staff Writer

April 1, 2017


Filed under Satire

ASPEN -- “School on the Mountain” committee, composed of teachers, parents, students, and administrators recently flew to California. As they stepped off the plane onto the lush sand beach, they immediately felt the joy of not being in school. Pit stops in warm San Diego, the San Diego Zoo, the U...

Jews Step Away from “Jews R Us” and into the World of “Jesus and Me”

Zoe Cramer, Junior Editor

April 1, 2017


Filed under Satire

ASPEN-- The Jewish community of Aspen might be a small one, yet a strong presence in the town. However, the synagogue, Jews R Us, hours changed to only 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., due to adolescents consuming too much challah and Manischewitz during the prayer and passing out before the bema. Because of this time ...