Goodnight Moon or Goodnight Students?
Madison Osberger-Low, Staff Writer
April 18, 2017
Filed under Satire
ASPEN-- On March 10, AHS staff and alumni finally signed off on the first-ever Space Shuttle to the moon. The expedition will be on Saturday, April 1, just in time to paint the shuttle with a new logo, “Get high or fly straight to the moon.” This year, moon exploration will finally be an after...
Locals Will Soon Mourn the Loss of Tourists During Off Season
Chloe Brettmann, Staff Writer
April 7, 2017
Filed under Satire
ASPEN--As the winter tourist season comes to an end, Aspen locals become very nostalgic. Gone will be the days of visitors swarming who don’t know what crosswalks are, and soon locals will dread the days of quiet driving. Locals who actually use crosswalks no longer get an adrenaline rush from pote...
The World’s Best News Channel: SNL
Jordan Fox, Online Editor
April 1, 2017
Filed under Satire
New polling has a dramatic change in how Americans get their news. Laughing along to Kate McKinnon’s funny impersonations, families across America have turned to SNL for their weekly news briefings. Regular news programs like CNN, BBC, Fox News, and NBC have either scaled back their news programs...
Timeline of 2017 as Told by Alternative Facts
Jordan Fox, Online Editor
April 1, 2017
Filed under Satire
January 21- President Trumps first executive order bans Americans from eating cake February 1- Meryl Streep dies at age 67 after being crushed by all her trophies February 3- Harambe’s child is revealed to the world February 4- Riots break out as zoo refused to build separate protective en...
School on a Beach?
Madison Thomsen, Staff Writer
April 1, 2017
Filed under Satire
ASPEN -- “School on the Mountain” committee, composed of teachers, parents, students, and administrators recently flew to California. As they stepped off the plane onto the lush sand beach, they immediately felt the joy of not being in school. Pit stops in warm San Diego, the San Diego Zoo, the U...
Jews Step Away from “Jews R Us” and into the World of “Jesus and Me”
Zoe Cramer, Junior Editor
April 1, 2017
Filed under Satire
ASPEN-- The Jewish community of Aspen might be a small one, yet a strong presence in the town. However, the synagogue, Jews R Us, hours changed to only 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., due to adolescents consuming too much challah and Manischewitz during the prayer and passing out before the bema. Because of this time ...
Polar Bears Accept Climate Change as Opportunity to Finally Perfect their Beach Bodies
Jordan Fox, Online Editor
April 1, 2017
Filed under Satire
THE ARCTIC CIRCLE--“Do I look fat in all this fur?” Oslo the polar bear asked. “I know I have gained a few extra pounds recently and I have gotten pale but I’m working on it.” For years a group of polar bears living in the Arctic Circle have distinguished themselves as avid advocates of g...
Pit Bulls; Absolutely Terrifying Dogs
Paige Quist, Staff Writer
April 1, 2017
Filed under Satire
Pit bulls, the highly feared dogs, are overtaking shelters due to their bad rap. Cameron Jones, a long-time pit bull owner, explains just how dangerous the dogs can be. “The thing about these pit bulls is that they will try to attack you," Jones said while warding off the tail-wagging attacke...
President Lump Cancels Earth Day
Chelsea Moore, Staff Writer
March 22, 2017
Filed under Satire
Sure, America knows that President Lump doesn’t believe in climate change--he certainly did not run on an environmentally focused platform. “Global warming is an expensive hoax,” Lump tweeted. What no one expected from him was a nationwide ban on Earth Day, a holiday that has been celebrated for over 45 ...
Chipotle E Coli Outbreak: Hindering Illness or Weight Loss Opportunity for BFFs?
Zoe Cramer, staff writer
April 30, 2016
Filed under Satire
Some might perceive the Chipotle Mexican Grill E Coli outbreak as an abominable mishap of what is supposed to be considered a healthy alternative for fast food. This is not the case for teen best friends Amber Shields and Katy Meyers. The two Miami, Florida, girls see it as an opportunity to lose we...
AHS Students Embrace New Schedule Wholeheartedly
Olivia Oksenhorn, Editor
April 11, 2016
Filed under Satire
After it was announced that the schedule will change next year, the student body and staff have appeared to be ecstatic and elated. Students have been witnessed celebrating the new schedule hanging the mock schedule up in their lockers, posting enthusiastic statuses on Facebook, and thanking superintendent...
Vape God Becomes Vape King
April 11, 2016
Filed under Satire
It was a casual Thursday afternoon when Aspen’s own vape god, Johnny E. Cig, decided to run for AHS prom king. After three months of vigorous campaigning including hanging up signs to promote his Vape for Life Club and handing out free vape pens, he has finally won his crown. Last Saturday the an...
