Satire – THE SKIER SCRIBBLER

Your 2018 Horoscope

Jordan Fox, Editor-In-Chief

March 21, 2018

Filed under Satire

SATIRE-- Aries- March 21- April 19 This is the first astrological sign but you know what they say… first is the worst. Taurus- April 20- May 20 As a qualified horoscope person I would like to inform you that... Gemini- May 21- June 20 According to ...

First Men’s March reaches AHS

Maeve McGuire, Staff Writer

March 21, 2018

Filed under Satire

SATIRE --- On January 21, the first annual Men’s March- lead by Harvey Weinstein and Larry Nassar- transpired all across the nation. Several AHS students, along with many members of the community, engaged in the movement. They marched down Main Street, carrying offensive signs, and chanting obnoxious m...

Graduates say SohCahToa is useful in real life

Jordan Fox, Editor-In-Chief

March 21, 2018

Filed under Satire

SATIRE--During a recent graduate panel, AHS alumni Mat Nerd ‘14, declared that SohCAhToa, an acronym that helps students remember trigonometric identities, has been the most helpful and applicable thing he learned in high school. “I use it all the time!” Nerd said. “I am currently working at Mcdo...

AHS rolls out new transportation program

Sam Kahn, News Editor

March 21, 2018

Filed under Satire

SATIRE--Today, first period was interrupted when a group of middle school students found the dead, frozen body of an AHS student on the path leading from the AMS parking lot to the doors of AHS. Authorities have announced that the student suffered from hypothermia before freezing to death while walki...

Is weed what we need?

Aja Schiller, Staff Writer

March 21, 2018

Filed under Satire

AHS’s Intro to Cooking class is getting a curriculum makeover. Students will now be required to buy themselves an Easy Bake Oven for the course and the school will provide everything else-- including the marijuana. Easy Bake Ovens are easily accessible and AHS wants the students to be able to take...

And sugar, we’re going down swinging

Aja Schiller, Staff Writer

March 21, 2018

Filed under Satire

The AHS cafeteria staff and administration has made the decision to cut out all possibly addictive foods from the cafe and hot lunch menus. The majority of the products previously sold are no longer offered. The only food products left now are almond packets and water bottles, and the water bottles w...

Kylie Jenner’s Baby Has Gotten Plastic Surgery

Bella Hoffman, Staff Writer

March 13, 2018

Filed under Satire

Social media star and owner of the famous Kylie Cosmetics makeup brand, Kylie Jenner has just given birth to a baby girl who has had plastic surgery. Baby Stormi popped out of the womb with a glamorous face of makeup, complete with lip injections. Kylie is creating lots of controversy over her baby’...

Donald Trump Issues New Exectutive Order: The Approaved Hairstyle Act

Tessa Guthrie, Staff Writer

March 13, 2018

Filed under Satire

On Friday March 2, 2018 Trump passed an executive order called the “Approved Hairstyle Act,” The order stated that everyone in the country must pick from an approved list of hairstyles or they will be punished by a fine of $100,000 for each day they do not change their hair. The order was inspired...

AHS Welcomes the New Teacher Gun Law with Open Arms

Tatum Diemer, Staff Writer

March 9, 2018

Filed under Satire

SATIRE--On March 1, 2018, a round of cheering and applause erupted through Aspen High School as it was announced that teachers would now be permitted to carry guns on school property. The administrative board at AHS has been pushing for the ‘Teacher Gun’ bill since 2002, and have finally achieved...

The New Camouflage Trend: Where is Everyone?

Kaelyn Kroeger, Staff Writer

February 14, 2018

Filed under Satire

SATIRE --- The camouflage trend is causing mass panic as people around the world are going missing. Nowadays, people wear camo as a fashion statement, but the real question is: is it fashionable if you can’t see them? The trend is growing increasingly popular, but the people who take part in it ar...

New Religion Begins at AHS Worshiping Supreme

Jordan Fox, Editor-In-Chief

February 12, 2018

Filed under Satire

SATIRE--A new study shows that Millennials and Generation Z are less involved in religion, but a few AHS students are hoping to change that with their new religion, “The Cult of the Supreme Being”. Created by local group of hypebeasts at AHS, their new religion worships a poster of Kermit the Frog in ...

New Adderall Dispensary Replaced in Starbucks location

Madison Osberger-Low, Sports Editor

February 9, 2018

Filed under Satire

SATIRE --- Ever since the disappearance of the beloved local Starbucks and the pumpkin spice latte, students have found an alternative to help them cope with the day. AHS senior, Elizabeth Juul, said she has been a regular customer at the new Releaf dispensary sponsored by Sharon Mulfruit since it ope...