The student news site of Aspen High School


The student news site of Aspen High School


The student news site of Aspen High School


Money Laundering 101


SATIRE — Are you nervous about having some extra cash during that upcoming gap year? Want to spice up your life and forget about your dream career that’s gonna be replaced by AI anyways? You (and many other upperclassmen) might be asking, ‘what career can I possibly get into that’s exciting, creative, and makes me a lot of money?’. To that end my dear reader, I introduce to you…

Money laundering! The smartest ‘SUPER LEGAL’ way to hide some extra cash, (who am I kidding a lot of extra cash) from the authorities and most importantly, your parents.
You may be asking, ‘But Tolkein, how do I start?’ Don’t fret! Because I’ve created the perfect checklist to get you started on your very own money laundering journey, Money Laundering for Dummies.

Step 1. Know What You’re Getting Into
If you’re unsure you want to live a super-cool life with insane amounts of cold hard cash, this is NOT the career for you. One way to test this out is to watch Scarface again. If you’re not saying Tony Montana is HIM afterward, maybe go into accounting or something.

Step 2. Low Risk, High Reward
While less-than-legal businesses are always at risk of being shut down by the Po-Po, do not let them intimidate you!
The benefits of this super legit system will always outweigh the risks, (the max is like 20 years in prison) and the only people that ever get caught for doing illegal stuff are dumb. Look at the Cartel! They’re still up and running, and the US is still the #1 consumer of “Rugs”. Talk about a record!

Step 3. Study
The only way you’ll ever figure out what illegal business you want to go into is by studying the greats! These include Scarface, Catch Me if You Can, The Godfather, GoodFellas, and many more. But you can’t just study these legends, to truly be the best in the field, you have to become them. Being intelligent is not enough, you actually have to be super cool too. ( I know this might be challenging for a lot of you, but just like your mom tells you, try your best.) Have you ever seen a mafia boss that practices their order in line at McDonalds? That’s what I thought.

Step 4. Choosing Your Business
Sure, you can always be the lame “unsuspecting” business owner of a money laundering front; but where’s the fun in that? To really enjoy the fruits of your labor, you need to own the business and bring in the illegal funds. ‘But Gia! What are my choices?’ Lucky for you, your options are endless.

Option #1 “Rugs”
What happened to good ol’ illegal ‘rug’ businesses? This is definitely the easiest way to bring in that extra dough I know you’re all dreaming about. All you need is a bulk supplier (post a help wanted on your social media stories!) Some fellow broke college students who are sick of selling organs on Depop will definitely slide up. And last but not least, frequent customers. “Rug” businesses are most often disguised as Italian restaurants, so while you’re at it, you might as well make the food and ‘bev’ gas too.

Option #2 Laundromats
The perfect option for dad-joke lovers everywhere. Money laundering? Laundromats? Come on, it’s punny and you know it. Money comes in and out of laundromats all the time and they’re literally everywhere. Mixing in some extra cash from “rugs” with some sweet fabrics seems like the move to me; Funny and convenient, the perfect combo for the average rookie.

Option #3 Casinos
The best option for a picture-perfect western film, (preferably in B&W). For this plan I envision buying Whiskey Pete’s in Nevada and completely revamping it (With the Bonnie and Clyde death car still displayed of course). However, if we’re being completely honest, I’m sure it’s already been a front at some point or another (less work for you!).

There you go noobs! The easiest and most versatile ways to hide all that illegal bread you’ll be making, so go stop selling feet pics on Instagram and go make bank!

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