SATIRE — First, school administrators took away off-campus lunch. Then they took free periods and threatened our cell phones. Now students will no longer be able to drive to school.
As of April 1st, the first day back from spring break, Aspen High School will not accept senior parking passes.
For years AHS seniors have been able to park at the school. This was an incredible honor reserved for only the oldest members of the school. To park on campus, the students would need to obtain one of the parking passes.
Half of the middle school parking lot will be reserved for staff parking, and the rest will be used as a helicopter landing pad. Since the Skier Bus is not in working condition this year the athletics department needed to create a new way to travel in style. In comes the Skier-copter.
The pad will also be for rent. Any proceeds that come from renting it out will go towards the softball team. Our most impressive and popular sports team at the high school.
The punishment for parking at school will be cleaning the commons after lunch. There is a lot to be done in the commons, and none of it is pleasant. Some of the jobs are cleaning up after people, who have somehow never learned to pick up after themselves, cleaning up spills, scraping unidentified somewhat solid mess off of tables, and mopping the floors.
Faculty met in December to finalize this idea. The idea first came about when Teal requested more space for the garden towers. Faculty members such as Burger Oliver and Strasshotdog liked the idea because of the image boost and a safer school.
“If students can’t drive to school there will be fewer accidents in the parking lot, and we can make sure students are on campus for the whole school day,” says Burger Oliver
After the loss of responsibility and freedom through the loss of off-campus lunch and the threat to ban cell phones, the loss of parking, and in turn driving to school was not a surprise. When asked about how this would affect student life,
“You know we don’t care about student freedom,” Strasshotdog said.
The fights for parking spots on the rim might become fights to the death.
