SATIRE

Aries: (March 21 – April 19)
So…you’re in Aries. One of your catch phrases is ‘fight me’, and the truth is you actually will! You’ve got the passion for a lifetime, so put that into saving other people’s lives! Use this new moon in April to help manifest something you’ve always wanted – like a shot that could literally save your life!

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20)
You’re a chill ‘lil bull, we love that. To all the Tauruses out there, just keep doing your thing! You’re ambitious, focused and resilient…and sometimes stubborn…so put that stubbornness into something that actually matters- the fate of humanity! No I’m not talking about climate change, although you should get on that too, this is about that new shot that gives you an immunity to the most deadly virus of your lifetime!

Germini: (May 21 – June 20)
The life of the party, the love of everyone’s life, and the someone everyone wants to be like: you’re that fun, carefree gemini…except when you’re not. So use those charismatic, social butterfly skills to get that COVID-19 vaccine!

Cancer: (June 21 – July 22)
Not to be confused with the deadly disease, Cancers are loyal, committed, and are commonly the ‘mom’ of the group. As they are often shy in nature, Cancers may seem cold or sassy at first but when you get to know them they’re the sweetest…unless they kill you with covid! To avoid this disastrous, yet common, situation-get vaccinated! It only takes a second, and after you can tell everyone, with absolute certainty, that even though you’re a Cancer you most certainly do not have a deadly disease.

Leo: (July 23 – August 22)
The beautiful, royal, loyal, passionate Leo. These signs are strong and will protect their loved ones at all cost-and what better way to do that then get vaccinated! Keep all those who you know and love safe with the new COVID-19 vaccine, because what’s more brave than taking a shot for the greater good! Save hundreds of lives, and rid yourself of all that fear of *accidently* killing someone when you hangout.

Virgo: (August 23 – September 22)
It’s just because…you’re a Virgo. You’re sassy, logical, and a great friend, with an intellect that’s out of this world. Ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication, you are committed….to the health of your community! If you’re that Virgo who’s always using their signs as an excuse for their behaviour-then use it as an excuse to get the vaccine!

Libra: (September 23 – October 22)
Ruled by Venus, you’re the physical embodiment of all things that anyone ever wanted: love, money, power and beauty. With all the friends you attract, you have to get the vaccine to save them-and your own family. Use your immense beauty to get that shot, because we all know you people-pleasers would do almost anything to make everyone happy, and with your need for attention and companionship you’re going to need it.

Scorpio: (October 23 – November 21)
With that psychic intuition and cunning demeanor, you will do whatever it takes to get what you want. Ruled by Pluto, Scorpions represent both destruction and reformation. Choose to be the hero and save those lives by getting the new COVID-19 vaccine from your local pharmacy. U

Sagittarius: (November 22 – December 21)
Damn, you’re a Sag – maybe the craziest sign in the zodiac. You are full of a fire and ‘joie de vivre’ that few around you completely understand but everyone is drawn to. Magnetic, your sense of humor and charismatic attitude, you need to get the vaccine to travel! Use that adventurous spirit and break into your nearest pharmacy on a dare, and then give yourself the vaccine!

Capricorn: (December 22 – January 19)
You’re ruled by Satan..oh excuse me I meant Saturn, the stoic planet of time. Capricorns might be rumored to age ‘backwards’, becoming more optimistic, youthful and playful with time due to hardships faced at an early age, but that doesn’t mean they’re immune to death! Even if a Capricorn carries a youthful persona, one breath in the wrong direction could lead to them being optimistic about…death. So don’t be that Capricorn-get that vaccine!

Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18)
A rebel at heart, you are destined to change the world. So start right now, and change the world by saving your fellow revolutionaries, giving the people the invaluable power of life. Use that innovation from your planet Uranus to find a loophole in the system, and maybe get the vaccine early-or find a way to give it to your friends.

Pisces: (February 19 – March 20)
The most psychic, empathetic, and compassionate humans, you’re amazing and maybe already have the vaccine! Ruled by Neptune, symbolizing creativity and dreams, your sweet and sensitive nature will make you an absolute badass filled with willful ignorance. But you can’t just wish a deadly plague away, you have to get the vaccine and address the root of the problem.