SATIRE– Scientists from across the globe are studying a new phenomenon occurring for seniors at AHS. Hundreds of expert scientists from Harvard, Oxford, and Stanford have fled to Aspen to study what has recently been nicknamed, Couchpotatoitis. Seniors at AHS had missed the last quarter of their junior year and most of their senior year up to this point because of COVID, and the effects are beginning to show.
Fancy college scientist, Smarty Pants, is extremely concerned about the side effects of Coachpotatoitis.
“I’ve seen students who have not seen the light of day in months. Their eyes have literally flattened out because of all the screen time. Their mouths are permanently slack jawed. These students have lost all ability to properly communicate. It’s frightening,” Pants said.
Couchpotatoitis is caused by a repetitive and low event filled lifestyle, oftentimes associated with Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) and low expectations. The symptoms include deformities to the eyes and smile, improper communication, depression, anxiety, restlessness, hallucinations, weight gain, and laziness.
AHS student, De Pressed, is one of the seniors diagnosed with Couchpotatoitis. Pressed used to be an active member in the school, participating in multiple clubs, varsity sports, and school events. However, Pressed has not left his house in three months.
“I have lost all sense of time in space. What’s my purpose in life? Is this all a sick joke? I miss the human touch,” Pressed said.
*After the interview De Pressed was sent to a special facility because of concerns of the interviewer.*