SATIRE- Milk. A beverage many parents encouraged, and sometimes forced their children to drink when young. This beverage was made with the hopes that children would grow up tall and strong. Packed with nutrients such as vitamin D and potassium, milk is a common ingredient in many people’s diets.

Junior at AHS, Nate Thomas, was an avid milk drinker. With a desire to gain weight and get health benefits, Nate Thomas consumed an entire gallon of whole milk every single day for months. His fridge was constantly stocked with around ten gallons of milk every day! After gaining over 50 lbs over the span of eight months, his mom started getting concerned.

After meeting with a nutritionist and talking about his habits, Nate cut down his intake to a less sickening, and closer to the average level. Last year, he also changed his milk of choice from whole, to almond milk, a decision highly supported by others. Today, Nate occasionally drinks a glass of 2% milk when trying to reach his caloric intake goal of the day.

Over the past couple of years, the milk selection grocery stores offer has increased with an extremely wide variety to choose from. And although it may seem silly, the milk you choose to drink says a lot about your personality.

Whole Milk- If you are a whole milk drinker, there are two types of categories you could fall under. You are either in the adolescence stage and your mom is trying to make you drink lots of milk so that you grow up tall enough to dunk a basketball standing and strong enough to win any arm wrestle you’re faced with. Otherwise, you are simply a psychopath. I know you get a stomach ache later in the day from drinking whole milk. I don’t care whether or not you are dairy-free, your stomach will be churning to a point of curdling your insides.

Almond Milk: If you are an almond milk drinker, you are basic. You probably started by just putting in your coffee because you saw your friends do it, and then started using it for everything. I’m sure you don’t even realize how much water you are taking away from California to soak the almonds and create your almond milk.

Oat- If you are an oat milk drinker you care about your health and think that by drinking oat milk you are superior even though it’s not that cool. I am sure you only drink it in your coffees and would never pour yourself a bowl of cereal with oat milk. You might even be the kind of person that merely orders oat milk when you are out with your friends at a cafe and the second you return home will use whole milk.

2%- If you are a 2% milk drinker, I trust you. You are normal, it’s not too creamy but not so watery. 2% is a safe option. It is probably just the milk your parents buy and you don’t think too much about it.

Chocolate Milk- If you drink chocolate milk, you’re having a good time. You know how to have fun and are always down to do anything from hiking the bowl to going out to lunch. However, you are quite immature and I can probably only hang out with you for so long.

Lactose-Free Milk- I’m so sorry that you are lactose intolerant, and I feel for you, but why are you drinking Lactaid? There are many other options of dairy-free milk that are far more delicious. Instead of drinking lactose-free milk you may as well drink regular milk and take Lactaid pills or try something new such as almond milk…. although that might make you basic.

Coconut Milk- Use coconut milk in your matcha. Nothing else. Coconut milk is less of a milky texture and is more like thick water. Therefore, it provides the best flavor in matcha rather than watering down your coffee.

Fair Life- If you have seen the undercover exposed videos of animal treatment for fairlife and continue to drink it, respectfully, we can never be friends. I understand some of their products such as their chocolate milk are extremely popular as they are packed with protein and taste like a milkshake. However, the cruelty towards the cows at the farms supplying milk to fair life is nothing more than appalling. No beverage is worth the pain of that many innocent animals.