SATIRE – – – Breaking news! The latest gathered at AHS: there are no more books allowed, anywhere on campus. Oh, the horror for our very much book-loving students. It is known that on average, individual students at Aspen High School finish 15 books per week. At first, it was no big deal, test scores have increased beyond belief and students have become approximately 51.9% more creative. However, this past year this once amazing phenomenon has become such a problem. Students are constantly colliding in the hallways while their faces are buried in books of all kinds, fights are daily in the library over coveted new releases, and worst of all, kids are stealing books straight out of students’ hands.
Administrators, Sarah Strasshotdog and Burger Oliver have noticed the chaos and danger that this love of literature has ensued at our once cool, calm, and collected establishment. Strasshotdog and Oliver finally broke down and determined the only way to solve this matter was to completely ban the commodity, once and for all.
English teachers are outraged as this class is now ruled as optional and students are quickly vanishing. Who needs to study the authorial craft and themes of novels when they have disappeared from our very area? Students deem that it is utterly pointless. All English books left over from classes will be donated to the Center for Non-Readers in Canada.
Students have attempted to organize revolts and protests to change this matter. They believe that students can change and begin using books for good again.
“I can’t live without books, I don’t know how I am going to do it,” said Pella Endarvis, a senior at AHS who has read 500 books in the last month.
Life for the next half of the semester is going to look a lot different for everyone at Aspen High. All class curriculums will be changing: math and history books are no longer allowed. Teachers will be making up lessons from scratch, based on any past knowledge they may possess from teaching a subject for so many years.
If any student… or teacher is caught with a contraband book, punishment will occur.
I would say happy reading skiers, but there’s nothing happy about reading now.
