SATIRE— In the 2025-26 school year – sorry seniors – all tables in the commons and the hallways will be upgraded to foosball tables customized with the IB learner profile traits and red and black foos men. Food will be forbidden around these tables – but it’s all in the name of foosball. Although the furniture in the commons was just recently replaced, the school district believes that buying 45 foosball tables is the best use of their taxpayer dollars. This is great timing with the bond recently approved as this update will cost around $18,000, additionally in order to achieve this, teacher pay cuts will have to occur and class sizes will increase.

Decky Toliver, assistant principal, played a vital role in the purchase of the new foosball tables.

“Just like the Chromebooks, Always School District loves to spend tons of money on useless things!” Toliver said.

I asked Toliver what the driving force was in making this big decision for Always High School (AHS).

“You know we really love to encourage kids to have fun at school, we wanted to give them a healthy outlet and continue the climb to educational excellence,” Toliver said.

It was a hard decision for AHS to move on from the weirdly large circular tables in the commons, but it is for the better good of the school culture. Class is not as important as foosball, who needs learning anyway?

“There were many students who spearheaded this movement to implement foosball in the commons, most notably the senior boys who can be seen surrounding the tables at all waking hours. They wanted more foosball in the school, they are really the ones we need to thank,” Toliver said.

This new addition will not only allow for the cultivation of community and the discovery of how loud the commons could get with 45 foosball games going on all at once but also boost the AHS economy.

“With more foosball tournaments there will be more opportunities for me to bet all my money on them.” An AHS junior Foosy Fred said.

This huge change will make the commons harder to navigate, and even louder during lunch, exactly what this school needs.

“If this goes well we might even think about incorporating foosball into classrooms and piloting the new IB foosball literacy class which would replace the previous pilot, IB Language and Cultures. The only culture we need at AHS is foosball,” Toliver said.