SATIRE— Hot Dog Hans is currently the top athlete in the world.

He currently has 315 gold medals for the half pipe and is planning to add at least 80 more to his collection by the end of 2025. Hans became famous after posting his videos of his tricks on social media, showing all of the younger athletes on the pipe.

There has been a rumor started by that he would be going to the 2025 Winter Olympics and when the Olympic committee heard of this rumor, they called Hans to ask if he would want to compete. At first, he was hesitant because he thought that his skills would exceed his possible opponents in the Olympics but after a couple of months, he finally agreed to attend.

“I wasn’t sure how I felt about going to the winter Olympics because I know I’m better than the other athletes, but then decided that I could level the playing field because we all know the Olympic Committee only tests for performing enhancing substances,” Hans said.

To get to the Olympics, he drove his Volkswagen van named Mom Jeans, it broke down halfway and he needed to stop in an unknown town in the middle of Hawaii. He arrived at the venue three weeks later where the Olympic community asked him to stay in the nicest room in the hotel where the other Olympians were all staying, but he decided that he would stay in his half-broken-down van. Arriving five minutes before he was supposed to compete, he skied into the pipe, did one 6.02 x 10^26 cork, and went back to his van to eat lunch. They then announced that he won gold, he walked up from his van and right up to the podium, got his medal, and drove back to Colorado. Han’s biggest fan who is 10 years old, watched his performance “Watching Hot Dog Hans drop that fire cork lives rent-free in my head. No cap the trick was lit and I know I am a simp for Hans and he’s all mine so back off.”