Dear Olivia,

I feel as if the prices are getting too fair at lunch. I mean, last year I used to get a discount because I’m blond and cute and now, I don’t even get fifty cents off my breakfast bagel. It’s an outrage! How can I get my discount back?

– Sad Sophomore

Dear Sad Sophomore,

Hate to break it to you, but there are lots of cute blondes in the school, and uniqueness is SO in now. Obviously, the only two ways to remedy this is to bribe the cooks and the women who man the cash registers. Next time you see them, subtly slip them a Starbucks gift card or just catch the lunch lady when she’s in a good mood! Although varying prices are guaranteed there are ways to make sure that yours are the lowest.

Xoxo,

Olivia

Dear Olivia,

There has been so much talk about Mohn Jalloy not calling snow days, and I feel bad for him. I mean, he can’t control the weather. So what if there are a couple of car accidents on the road from Snowmass? I can get to school from my house and that’s all that really matters, right?

– Justice for Jalloy

Dear Justice,

Sorry but there’s not much I can do to help you here. Currently I’m helping another student petition for a snow day via Yik Yak. Your opinion kind of, pardon my language, sucks.

Xoxo,

Olivia

Dear Olivia,

PARCC testing was way too short. Only half of a regular day and one short day long was not enough! I’ve already contacted Kim about this, and of course state officials to see if I can remedy it. I’d love it if I can write you letters and let you know how my efforts go.

–  Pleading for Publicity

Dear Pleading,

Well aren’t you a little ray of sunshine. You’re probably the reason we have PARCC testing again in May.

No hugs and kisses for you,

Olivia

*Olivia Oksenhorn is the top “ask” journalist in the school, and possibly even in the world. She has called “A cheap imitation of Dear Abby,” “In the running for the dumbest person around,” and “annoying as hell.” Polls show her success rate in helping people out is a solid 9.78%.

She can be reached at [email protected]