Aries: March 21-April 19

This month you will either meet your one true love or trip over a trash can while staring at another couple in love.

Taurus: April 20-May 20

This month you will become interested in a new hobby, like pottery or collecting used socks.

Gemini: May 21-June 20

This month you will…I don’t know I’ll get back to you next month.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

This month is not going to be great. If I was a Cancer, I just wouldn’t leave my house. The universe is literally against you.

Leo: July 23-August 22

It’s a great time to talk to your boss about a raise, unless you’re an Aspen High School teacher.

Virgo: August 23-September 22

This month will bring you good fortune, but it is also highly possible that it won’t.

Libra: September 23-October 22

You should be very optimistic about starting new relationships this month. Just kidding no one wants to date a Libra.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21

You will be stung by a deadly insect this month. It’s likely that you won’t survive, so make the most out of the time you have left!

Sagittarius: November 22 -December 21

I don’t even know why this is a Zodiac sign. What kind of name is Sagittarius?

Capricorn: December 22- January 19

There are definitely large sums of money surrounding you this month. Whether you are gaining or losing that money is a little blurry. You’ll probably be losing it because we all know Capricorns like to gamble. #judging

Aquarius: January 20- February 18

Jupiter will be in a direct line from the sun this month which means it’s time for a makeover! You’re never going to find a wife if you think fur belts are cute.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

You’ll most likely end up staying in and watching Netflix this whole month. But that’s what you do every month so it shouldn’t be a big surprise.