Roaring Fork Transportation Authority has recently implemented a new and improved schedule as of March 12. This allows drivers to leisurely wait around all day and decide the times that they think the buses need to run, with little to no adherence to the publicly posted schedules. Drivers began to picket RFTA after months of work hours negotiations brought all bus movement to a staggering halt.

“I honestly think that the schedules are more of a public suggestion implying that bus riders need to set aside at least half an hour for boarding the bus. We need the same respect that airplanes get- dag nabit,” scheduling guru Nicolas Traintracks said. “It is only a matter of time before the buses get there. We are helping our community by teaching patience, just in a really fascist, civilly unacceptable and inconvenient, generally offensive sort of way.”

AHS senior James “ParachutePants” Gippler noted that “I really like being abnormally late and looked down upon by my teachers for the rest of the week- like, honestly. It assures me that my education means more than a grade, an ACT score, and an MIP I got for picking up trash in my neighborhood.

RFTA sees this as the first step in dominating the world transportation market.

“I’ll stop the bus expansion project when I’m dead,” Traintracks exclaimed.