SATIRE — As finals continue to creep closer, the average student’s stress levels begins to rise. When dealing with an overwhelming amount of stress, many students find it difficult to function on a daily basis due to symptoms that affect a person’s cognitive, behavioral, physical, and emotional aspects. These symptoms, such as sleeplessness, migraines, depression, and even death, have affected almost every student in some way. This year the AHS administration has finally found an effective way to combat the continual problem of stress.  

Physical education teacher, Coach Hype, proposed the idea of a fight club to the administration before winter break. After recognizing the many symptoms of finals, Coach Hype discovered the most effective medicine.

“The administration loved my idea and got to work right away. Over winter break the Skier Dome Gym will be turned into a fully functional fight club, accessible to all students throughout the school day. The gym will be equipped with eight separate cages, each with their own referee. Generally, when students are granted the ability to release stress physically and emotionally, they perform better on their schoolwork. Hopefully the same will apply to this situation. Although many students will leave finals week in various states of injury, it is a small price to pay for academic success,” Hype said.

AHS senior Sniko Nesark believes that this year’s finals week will go smoothly for students who participate in the fight club, as they will not experience the normal amount of stress.

“So far I have spent the majority of my senior year applying to colleges, studying for IB tests, and trying to make it through piles of school work with my sanity intact. With final tests on top of my continual workload, I began to fear for my physical and emotional health. However, the school’s fight club will make this round of finals a breeze. Without my usual stress-induced depression I will be fully functional when it comes to the testing, and I assume that all who participate in the fight club will experience a similar result,” Nesark said.

The AHS fight club appears to be a remarkable concept, gaining unconditional support from the community, parents, and the state government. State Board of the CDE (Colorado Department of Education) recently mentioned the AHS fight club in a press briefing.

“We are very surprised by the success of the so-called ‘fight club’ at AHS. For years we have been looking for ways to reduce student stress in order to boost test scores across the board,” the board said in a press release. “Thanks to AHS pioneering a new method of stress relief, we expect to see test scores and student performance to go through the roof.”