SATIRE–Recently, AHS has been faced with an economic crisis: losing money left and right due to failing programs such as the stress relief fight club and other experiments. After reviewing the schools budget from every angle, Sarah Strauss-Hotdog has decided to implement a program that will lower the quality of lunch food in the cafeteria, in order to save the school from financial disaster.

“These days our kids are constantly filled with vegetables, natural foods, and other so-called ‘healthy’ products. This high quality of food has taken over the cafeteria at AHS, costing the school hundreds of thousands dollars each year,” Strauss-Hotdog said. “While we could be spending more on paper products and anti-recycling propaganda, we are wasting tons of money each year on high-end food products. This year the administration is finally going to start regulating the food within AHS, ensuring that it is as unhealthy as possible, which will make the cost lower than ever before.”

In order to gain the full support of the community, the school board held a public forum in early January, to address any questions or concerns of local parents. While many parents were initially concerned about the health of their children, local health professional, Dr. Dre assured them that the program is exactly what AHS needs.

“Throughout my years within the medical field, I have discovered that healthy foods are not necessary for growing children. I can promise that with more sugar and carbs, your children will remain healthy,” Dr. Dre said. “However as a compromise for certain, unapproving parents within the community, I have advised the school to provide napkins with each meal, as they are considered healthy by the medical community. Paper napkins, which originate from trees, provide the children with a ‘healthy’ option and will help to maintain a balanced diet.”

The program, which will be applied to the 2018/2019 AHS school year, has become renowned statewide, gaining support from schools across the state. The board of Colorado Education Critics (CEC) fully agrees with the actions of the AHS Administrative Board and hopes that other schools will adopt this idea.

“For years we have been searching for a financial program that will effectively save money without sacrificing educational benefits. We cannot wait to see AHS’s results and hopefully we will see many other Colorado schools follow in their footsteps,” CEC said.