SATIRE–On March 1, 2018, a round of cheering and applause erupted through Aspen High School as it was announced that teachers would now be permitted to carry guns on school property. The administrative board at AHS has been pushing for the ‘Teacher Gun’ bill since 2002, and have finally achieved their goal.

AHS principal and gun-advocate, Sharon Mulfruit feels like the legalization of the ‘Teacher Gun’ policy will lead to a complete stop of school violence.

“I am really looking forward to the future, now that my fellow employees and I have the ability to ‘strap up’ and defend the school. I firmly believe that guns are the only solution to stopping violence, and it’s about time that the government gets something done. Everyone in America should have a gun. I hope to live in a world where even kindergarteners carry guns,” Mulfruit said.

AHS vice-principal, Sarah Strass-hotdog believes that having teacher carry guns will ultimately protect the school from any threat.

“I used to disagree with the ‘Teacher Gun’ bill but have since changed my thinking. It has been shown that every school threat easily could have been stopped if an armed teacher, with limited firearm training, had been on the scene,” Strass-hotdog said. “I hope that within the next six months that every teacher within the Aspen School District will be carrying a gun. Now that all teachers will be armed with weapons, from assault rifles to civil war relics, our school will always be prepared for any form of attack.”

Aspen Police Chief, Captain Crunch, thinks that by arming teachers, the level of safety at AHS will go through the roof.

“Throughout my life, I have been using guns. As a preschooler, I used to handle guns and carry them in public. Guns are the root of all safety, and our department fully agrees that AHS will be much safer if all teachers constantly have weapons,” Crunch said. “Luckily, our department won’t have to help teach the AHS staff about guns, as the new law states that no training is required. I am very glad to live in a town that supports the “Teacher Gun” bill as it will make my job easier and create a problem-free future.”

AHS sophomore Jaulf Half strongly supports the gun bill and is looking forward to attending school under the new policy.

“I am very happy that the school is cooperating with the government’s new gun law. Now that all of my teachers will be carrying deadly weapons makes me feel incredibly safe,” Half said. “I will now be able to concentrate on my school work, knowing that I will be 100% protected by my teachers. I think that the gun bill has been the best idea in the history of America because it increases the number of guns in students lives!”