SATIRE–

Aries- March 21- April 19

This is the first astrological sign but you know what they say… first is the worst.

Taurus- April 20- May 20

As a qualified horoscope person I would like to inform you that…

Gemini- May 21- June 20

According to the other horoscopes I have read about you I know that you will fall in love this month, but love is a social construct, soooooo, that’s a bummer.

Cancer- June 21-July 22

Whatever that Mercury in Retrograde thing is… use it as an excuse for all the mistakes and dumb things you do this month. For example, “Sorry Bernadebt, I didn’t have time to study for that math test because Mercury is in Retrograde and my inner chi was all out of whack.”

Leo- July 23- August 22

The stairway to success is right in front of you, but I envision you tripping while your crush watches.

Virgo- August 23- September 22

Apparently you like animals, healthy food, books, nature, cleanliness…. So you are a human. Congrats.

Libra- September 23- October 22

Kim Kardashian and Vladamir Putin are both Libras….. Do what you want with that.

Scorpio- October 23- November 21

According to Google you are a water sign. Maybe try not to drown this month?

Sagittarius- November 22- December 21

Why are you still reading this, I am clearly unqualified to talk about horoscopes (I literally had to look them all up) or give life advice (have you seen me recently? I’m a mess).

Capricorn- December 22- January 19

Wait. This is a sign? I just thought it was like festive candy corn.

Aquarius- January 20- February 18

I’m not playing favorites but I’m an Aquarius and we have zero flaws so just keep doing you and try not to show off too much because everyone else isn’t as fortunate as us.

Pisces- February 19- March 20

The stars are aligning in your favor, so maybe don’t screw it up