SATIRE — While the AHS class of 2019 enjoys their senior privilege of sitting on “the boat,” the sophomore girls rule the most coveted throne in all the school: the porcelain throne. Or toilet, that is.

Located across from the main office, one specific stall in the girl’s bathroom has transformed from an ordinary utilitarian space into the foremost socially acceptable and desirable hang-out spot overflowing with endless possibilities (or overflowing with a substance of another sort).

Founded and inhabited by 13 sophomore girls, landing a spot in this bathroom stall for lunch is “the equivalent of achieving the American dream,” said junior Susman McBurrow when asked his opinion of this new aprés-class lounge.

If people are wondering why eating a PB&J sandwich on the floor of the girl’s bathroom for lunch doesn’t sound appealing to them, it’s probably because they’ve never been inside.

With its lustrous white-tile floors, provocative and bold graffiti artwork, and of course, exquisitely white (most days) porcelain throne, the girl’s bathroom stall is a man-made kingdom in itself.

Rumor has it that the throne was crafted from the most extravagant vitreous china, undergoing a strenuous manufacturing process including a mixture of clay and water being poured into a mold, finished, glazed, and then sent through a kiln. Finally, it was specially delivered from an ancient company originating in 1929 called “Kohler.” For more information on this process, google “How a toilet is made.”

Because this throne was explicitly designed for royal figures, it only makes sense that “The Queen of the Bathroom,” a.k.a. Layla Tang is perched upon it at all times. Tang described her grand responsibility of holding this royal title, and the obstacles she endures on a daily basis to “maintain her clout.”

“Being queen is not easy. It’s exhausting when everyone is constantly vying for my throne… This kingdom is made from my blood, sweat, and tears. I live here and I will die here – upon the ruins of the grounds I created. In this stall, all dreams become realities and all women are equal,” said Tang.

Not only is the architecture one-of-a-kind, but so are the daily occurrences on the inside. Sophomore Jenna Deland, one of the founders of this “kingdom,” discussed how the doors of thus stall act as a secret portal to an alternate universe – if you get an invitation, that is.

“It’s not just a bathroom stall… it’s my home. It’s honestly exactly what I envision ‘Neverland’ to be like – a place full of adventure. A place where you are given a blank canvas and are free to dream. Eating my cucumber salad on the floor of the stall is the only place I ever want to be. Please vote for me in the next Bathroom Queen election,” said Deland.

Inside the stall, the 13 locals travel by means of teleportation to a wide variety of destinations: outer space, Coachella, an actual real bathroom, the Burlingame playground, the pyramids of Egypt, the ABC gas station and Mount Rushmore – anywhere they want.

Luckily, junior Meg Dims witnessed the girls teleport to a campsite, and gave a full account of this “frightening experience.”

“I was just minding my own business when I heard the girls begin doing some sort of tribal chant in their stall. It was almost like the ‘Haka,’ but louder and more aggressive. They were running around in circles screaming, ‘WO-HA-LI, HEY-YA-HO, YO-NAH-KI.’ Then the lights suddenly shut off, and then, there, inside the stall, was a mystical blueish fire. I swear they were sitting around a bonfire. Smoke was pouring out of the stall, it smelled like mango,” said Dims.

Senior Tandra Deer, another bystander, witnessed a similar experience while using the stall next to the sophomore girls.  

“It was lunchtime, and I had to go to the bathroom. As the girls heard me flush the toilet, I heard one of them say, ‘Guys, shhh. I swear I just heard a flush. Are there, like, toilets in here?’ Next thing I know, I heard a crackling noise followed by a white cloud that appeared to look like a ghost. Then one of the girls said, ‘YOOO, did you guys just see that ghost?’ Since I am deeply afraid of paranormal activity, I ran out as fast as I could and I have never been back since,” said Deer.

Although this bathroom stall has become a safe haven for individuals to express themselves, it remains very exclusive. A strikingly small percent of girls, 3% to be exact, fit the criteria to eat their lunches on the glossy floor of the stall. Who decides this criteria? The 13 sophomore girls who inhabit the territory.

In fact, there is a waitlist, consisting of 86 names, for just entering the stall. If you’ve noticed the single-file line flowing out of the bathroom every lunch period, now you know why. Sophomore Sophia Dirand expressed this exclusivity and the ways in which this bathroom stall, fueled by creativity and self-exploration, changed her life forever.

“The exclusiveness is what makes the girls in the stall a family. They accept everyone, but we can’t allow 100 people to experience these eye-opening adventures at the same time. It’s everything any high school girl has ever wanted and more – the high school experience just as I imagined it. In the bathroom stall, I am accepted and free. Without it, I’d be lost,” said Dirand.