SATIRE — Living as a tall person (a state of being): the constant state of dealing with stupid questions, being asked to grab objects on a high shelf, and actually being able to see over crowds.

Every day consists of pretty much the same problems of being a tall person: running into trees, trying endlessly to find any pair of full-length jeans that don’t end up resembling capris and dealing with the constant fear of low ceiling fans. But it’s ok, my mom always assures me that everybody looks up to me.

7 AM: Waking up from a restless night of sleep, I immediately groan as my stiff muscles begin to ache from being crammed into a too-small bed (and by too small, I mean a perfectly average size queen bed).

8 AM: After a long car ride to school with my legs bent awkwardly in the front of the car (even with the seat as far back as it goes), I step out of the car and am immediately blinded with pain as I whack my head on the top of the door.

9 AM: For the first but certainly not last time of the day, I’m asked a series of questions by some kid I’ve known since kindergarten. Do you play basketball? Do you play volleyball? Um no, do you play mini golf? And my personal favorite – Why are you so tall? Well… genetics.

10 AM: There are a few advantages to being tall, however. As hundreds of slow, sleep-deprived high schoolers flood into the commons during access, I’m able to easily see over the mob and spot my friends………..but in the process, another intelligent observation might be made about me. Wow, you’re so tall. Shh, it’s a secret. How’d you find out?   

11 AM: I get bombarded with another round of stupid questions – How’s the weather up there? Sorry to break it to you, but I took meteorology and six inches isn’t going to change the weather. Wow, do you play basketball? The answer is still no.

1 PM: In a school full of classrooms with extremely high cabinets, it’s not surprising that I often get asked to grab things. I love it when the teacher says, “Hey, I need a tall person to come get this,” and everybody looks at me.

2 PM: Looking down at my ankles, I’m still surprised that my jeans sit three inches above the tops of my boots. I swear they were longer when I bought them.

3 PM: Finally, the day is over. Relieved to be leaving after a long, painful day of school, I walk down to the parking lot along with the mob of other high schoolers. My clumsiness immediately gets the best of me, and I trip and fall in front of everyone (keep in mind, the parking lot is filled with ice but this spot is completely dry). I guess my center of gravity didn’t keep up with my rapid growth spurt.

The rest of the day is filled with more of the same – more slipping, hitting my head on things, getting asked stupid questions, and of course being able to reach the yummy cereal on the top shelf for my midnight snack.