SATIRE —This spring, more than half of the AHS sophomores ambitiously signed up for IB Diploma with the idea of ‘keeping their options open’. For anyone that doesn’t know, signing up for Diploma is basically the equivalent of signing your sleep and social life away. About 75% of these confident individuals signed up with the intention of dropping Diploma as soon as the workload got too difficult. However, it was just announced that there was a change in school policy prohibiting anybody that enrolled in IB Diploma from dropping it.

Each IB Diploma candidate in the sophomore class experienced the seven stages of grief during the week following this announcement.

MONDAY — SHOCK & DENIAL

Immediately after the faculty approached these sophomores about their inevitable doom, they burst into laughter. They proceeded to compliment the teachers on their comedic genius while walking out of the room.

TUESDAY — PAIN & REGRET

As their new reality sunk in, many of these students woke up feeling excruciating pain (later diagnosed as the impending loss of their social lives). Sophomores then began regretting their decision to sign that ‘stupid piece of neon green paper’.

“Why did I ever sign up for Diploma? I mean, I’m barely surviving sophomore year and I only did it because Tam Tam Wil Wil gave a very convincing argument,” said AHS sophomore Rose Ingrid Peterson.

WEDNESDAY — ANGER & BARGAINING

After some time, this pain and regret transformed into uncontrollable anger. When asked how they were doing by fellow classmates and teachers in passing, many of them responded with ‘screw you’, ‘I HATE LIFE’, or unpleasant grunts. Teachers reported ‘angry outbursts’ and ‘explosive behavior’.

Will Alwaysbelate resorted to bargaining with Tam Tam Wil Wil.

“I will never be late to your class again if you just help me change IB policy back. Do it for my mental sanity…and yours. After all, you will be the one dealing with me,” negotiated Will.

THURSDAY — “DEPRESSION” & REFLECTION

It was unusually quiet in the morning. IB Diploma candidates sat in class, blankly looking off into the distance. Staff members were immediately hushed when they inquired about their students’ well being. Apparently, they were in the middle of deep self-reflection on the horrible mistake they all made.

Suddenly as if they were all hit with the loss of their easy, enjoyable lifestyles at the same time, the sophomore grade broke out into depressed sobs.

FRIDAY — THE UPWARD TURN

As students began adjusting to their new circumstances, they seemed almost content. Teachers were unconvinced.

SATURDAY — RECONSTRUCTION

According to fellow classmates, many sophomores started to work through their issues and find solutions.

Sophomore Hummus Kelly listed some of his solutions in a slightly incoherent ramble.

“Hibernation – if bears can avoid winter, maybe I can avoid my responsibilities. How about moving to Mexico? But is that far enough away? Maybe Antarctica is better? Ooooo or maybe I could change my identity and get a job at a 711 – I hear they don’t require extensive background information before hiring.”

SUNDAY — ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

Sophomores began to accept the grueling and painful year ahead of them. Many of them even started to move forward and make plans for the future.

“I’ve heard IB Diploma is like walking through a dark room filled with needles without any shoes. So I guess I’ll invest in some crocs and a flashlight, and just enjoy the last few months of my sanity and freedom,” mentioned Penny Nickels with a hint of hope in her eye, “Or I’ll drop out of school and work at a gas station – whatever happens first I guess.”