SATIRE– Following a recent study done by the Federal Drug Association, the social media app TikTok has proven to be more addictive than Juul.

Tiktok is a social media app where users (teens) post videos of them lipsyncing, dancing, and doing skits. Juul, an e-cigarette device, is also popular among teenagers. The FDA has been doing surveys to test whether Tiktok needs to be regulated as well. Teenagers are beginning to fry their brains by being encompassed in the world of these short videos.
Ronald Harris, the president of the FDA, has since spoken about the negative effects of using Tiktok regularly.

“I’m not surprised that teens are now addicted to a new substance. It’s like the new Juul. Teenagers are abusing a social media app. They don’t talk to anyone anymore. They stay engrossed on Tiktok, making stupid videos,” Harris said.

The president of the United States, Cheeto 45, is calling Tiktok a pandemic. Social media users are livid at the president and are planning to storm the White House if Cheeto 45 bans Tiktok for teens. Cheeto 45 is hoping that the citizens will settle down and come to their senses.

“Uh, ya know, it’s just an app. It’s a HUGE app. We gotta ban it because teenagers deserve to be happy and healthy. Their mental health is important. These kids are well addicted to the app and continue to make lousy videos of themselves. It’s kind of conceited. We have to ban Tiktok before we establish gun laws,” Cheeto 45 said.

Cheeto 45 is planning to sign a bill on April 17th, making Tiktok illegal for people under the age of 21. Avid users of Tiktok believe that this bill is a violation of the first amendment rights and are protesting Cheeto 45’s policies. Most of these protesters are teens, but also include parents who actively use the app.

Social media influencer and Tiktok star Harli D’Angelo is planning to lead protests this Saturday outside of the White House. D’Angelo has a following of about 32.5 million.

“I am pissed. Tiktok is my favorite app and I am famous on it. You can’t take my fame away from me. It’s all I have. I also get paid to post on TikTok. At 15 years old, it’s my only source of income. You can’t do this to me! I demand justice!” D’Angelo said.

D’Angelo’s opinion is very different from many Cheeto 45 supporters. Missy Shrump, a Cheeto 45 supporter and one of the organizers of his campaign, believes that Cheeto 45 made an amazing decision banning Tiktok from app stores.

“I really do love what Cheeto 45 is going to do. He has really made a difference and I can even see my kids performing better in school. I am so blessed to have a president that cares about our children. MAGA!” Shrump said.