SATIRE—Since the beginning of his 2016 presidential campaign, the public and the media have been baffled at Ronald Drumpf’s flawless complexion and groundbreaking makeup techniques. Many speculate that he is blessed with the gift of beauty from the gods. However, the real magic lies in Drumpf’s Makeup artist: Clementine Norange.

Norange, a former intern on the show “The Apprentice”, took on the task of being Drumpfs’ makeup artist in 2016. Since then, she has worked countless hours completing the rigorous four-hour process of Drumpf’s makeup routine.

Every morning, she wakes up at 5:30 am to start applying 25 layers of spray tan onto Drumpf’s face. The first three layers of spray tan are to oppose the first, second, and third articles in the constitution, while the other 22 are in protest of the 22nd amendment.

“Sometimes when I’m rubbing in the 25th layer of spray tan onto his leathery, saturated face, I imagine I’m kneading wet dough, or that I’m lying in a mahogany coffin- depends on the day,” Norange stated while shedding a single tear.

Drumpf additionally requests that Norange does not put the spray round his eyes, so that he can appeal to white supremacists. Many white supremacy groups were enraged to have an orange person running the country and threatened to cease their support for Drumpf.

When responding to a hate comment on Twitter about his pale under eyes, Ronald Drumpf, tweeted, “I gotta please my people.”

Norange recently developed carpal tunnel syndrome as a result of copiously flicking her wrist while reapplying Drumpf’s waterproof mascara throughout the day.
“I use the strongest, most water-resistant mascara, so Drumpf can cry at the mean tweets he receives. But, he always somehow manages to cry it all off. I can’t keep up,” Norange said.

Despite the other grueling tasks, Norange believes that the final step in Drumpf’s makeup routine is the worst part, as she spends three hours gluing down Drumpf’s infamous toupee made from the most exquisite hair known to man: Drumpf’s back and chest hair.

“Money makes you do unspeakable things. I don’t think I will ever recover from the emotional and psychological damage of this process. How he manages to have that much chest and back hair waiting for me each day will always leave a deeply rooted seed of unsettlement in the pit of my stomach,” Norange said. “I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. Luckily he [Drumpf] is always in front of mirrors, fixing his hair and blocking my view.”