SATIRE- With COVID-19, or coronavirus, spreading rapidly throughout the U.S, many have taken extreme measures to avoid contracting the virus.

The novel coronavirus is a respiratory illness that has infected over 115,800 people and killed over 4,200 worldwide. Many U.S citizens are alarmed by the surge of coronavirus cases in the United States. Reportedly, there have been approximately one thousand confirmed cases in the U.S, and the spreading of the disease shows no signs of stopping, which leaves the public to take precautions to combat infection.

While some wear medical masks to prevent contamination, Doom Sayer, an 83-year-old woman and Aspen resident, wears a full-body hazmat suit as a caution against the deadly disease.

“You can never be too careful, especially at my age. My biggest fear is that a teen will contract the virus and purposely infect me. That’ll they cough in my direction while yelling ‘DIE, BOOMER,’” Sayer said, panic visible in her cataract ridden eyes.

Al Titude, a man from Los Angeles, California, migrated deep into the mountains to isolate himself from the virus after a traumatic experience at his local grocery store.

“When I was at the store, I saw a woman sneeze into her hand and wipe it on the produce,” Titude said. “Here, it’s just me and the mountains, no one else to spread anything. I’m never going back. ”

Florida man, Sir Ringe III, flexed his superior intellect by slowly injecting himself with strains of COVID-19 in hopes of building up an immunity to the virus.

“Y’all need to get on my level. I’m gonna be chilling while everyone else is dying. Sucks to suck,” Ringe stated while suppressing a phlegmy cough.

Billionaire, Ellen Musk and the rest of the top one percent have decided to embark on a two-year expedition to Mars, determined to colonize the planet and create a new civilization.

“I’m jumping ship\; this planet is a lost cause, and I’m not waiting for it to take me down with it,” Musk said.

Public Health Official, Dr. Sara Handsberry, opted for medical amputations of her left and right hands after repeatedly touching her face during a public health service announcement.

“I just couldn’t resist touching my face. Simple problems require simple solutions,” Handsberry stated.