SATIRE – Tuesday afternoon two AHS students, who are to remain anonymous, stole and successfully flew one of the Every Student Flies Program’s planes all the way to La Paz, Mexico.

These two students signed up for the Every Student Flies Program in early November and were adequately taught how to fly a plane by Kate Tall, Aspen High’s certified flight instructor. After they returned to Aspen, Tall recalls one of the students asking her if the plane had the ability to go super long distances with a full tank of jet fuel. Said student then allegedly remarked, “I bet I could fly to Mexico!”

“I truly am shocked that these students actually managed to fly the thing all the way to Mexico. I mean, I only taught them the absolute most basic skills. I’m honestly very impressed with their observation skills. They even radioed using some of the terminologies I taught them,” Tall said.

Since the flight was not scheduled for takeoff when the two students stole it, the Aspen Airport watch tower immediately notified the authorities and followed protocol. They tracked the flight with the help of authorities until it landed in Mexico.

Since the flight was not reported for takeoff or landing properly, the plane was proclaimed a foreign force. Following protocol, airports and airbases along the route from Aspen to La Paz were aiming and launching missiles at it\; however, the two amateur pilots were able to successfully dodge each launch with “the precision of a highly-ranked captain.” It got so intense that fighter jets were ordered to follow and track the aircraft.

Former Airforce Combat Pilot Pete, AKA America’s worst bachelor, works for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport and was involved with a portion of the bombardment of the aircraft in question.

“It was unlike anything I have ever seen, even in combat. I mean, the missile strikes were being fired one after another, and these two high school students were doing loopy-loops!? Even I can’t do loopy-loops,” Pilot Pete exclaimed confusedly.

The two AHS students have been charged with multiple counts of capital punishment and have made their appearance in the Supreme Court on the grounds of “conspiracy of the US aircraft association”. They have both been charged with lunch duty for two weeks.

“Expulsion seemed a bit extreme,” AHS Vice Principal the Burgermeister said.