Secret vaccination ring uncovered in the maze


Photo by WoahKinney

A trail of birdseed leading to the vaccinations.

SATIRE – BREAKING NEWS! Students have disappeared from their classes with no hint as to where they have gone. After requesting a bathroom break, students neglected to return to their classes, but where they escaped is a mystery.

Sarah Strasshotdog, the principal at Aspen High School, has received many complaints from teachers about increasing student tardies and absences. Strasshotdog, an ex-CIA agent, decided to take her investigative skills to crack the riddle of this oddity. She checked all the obvious places – the bathroom stalls, the cafe, and even Small Wrap, but had no luck.

Like any detective, she left the most obvious location for last, likely because she was avoiding going down there. With a lump in her throat and bird seeds in hand, she tiptoed her way down to the maze. Leaving a bird seed trail behind to help her find her way back, Strasshotdog checked the trash cans along the way for any evidence, finding hundreds of masks.

After cautiously turning past one of the maze walls, she nearly ran into a long line of students overflowing out of Celty Fritter’s office.

“Hey Fitter what happened, is everything ok?” Strasshotdog said, concerned that every athlete in the building had somehow injured themself.

“Uhhh yeah…ok ok if I’m being completely honest I got tired of being down in the basement and could use the extra money so I’ve been changing kids $10 to get a COVID vaccine,” Fritter said.

Strasshotdog was taken back. “Well, I have to report this,” Strasshotdog said. However, Fritter wouldn’t let that happen.

“Wait, think about it, kids getting vaccinated plus, I know we could all use the extra cash,” Fritter said.

“Ok I have a plan,” Strasshotdog said. Strasshotdog began to pull kids out of class for a ‘mandatory talk,’ but little did the teachers know that they were getting vaccinated in the maze. Hours are Monday- Friday 9:00-3:00, it is first come first serve.