The real story behind Torre’s missing last name



Maury celebrates his saving of time after only signing a contract with one name.

SATIRE — Mono. Chair. Unclean. Such celebrities are a sampling of a diverse, successful, fascinating group, united by one common factor; these superstars only need one name for instant global recognition. One Aspen local attempting to join this group is doing so in a bit of an unconventional manner: becoming the Mayor of Aspen.

Mayor Maury arrived in Aspen as a young man looking for the women that flock like salmon, as well as a roommate to split his $10,000/month rent with. Quickly realizing just how poorly structured CAPCHATHEMONEY was, Maury did what any twenty-something would do when coming to Aspen to make money. He became a ski instructor, Aspen Extreme style, and worked his way up to only teaching high-end, champagne-at-Cloud-Nine-and-having-to-take-a-sled-down clients. One client in particular, however, truly captured Maury’s attention.

“One day, I arrived at the base of Ajax to meet my client. You may recognize them by their famous songs “Boxanne” or “Message in a Takeout Box.That’s right, I was teaching Bing himself,” Maury said.

Although Bing was far from a natural at skiing and found it to be quite cold skiing in a distressed v-neck t-shirt, Maury was starstruck.

“The way he carried himself was astounding. It was like it was Bing’s world and we were all just living in it. After watching him whip through signing autographs because he only had to write one name, I decided that I needed to be able to do the same. I wanted the single name fame,” Maury shared.

With his new life purpose decided, Bing quit his job at the NoSkiForFreeCo and moved into what he believed would be an easy way to gain stardom: local government.

“The whole idea [of municipal office] just seemed so fabulous. I love the long hours of public comment from Bee Mulcahy, and honestly, since people don’t really believe in democracy anymore, getting elected was as easy as ever! Once in office, I decided that I was definitely a household name and that a surname was no longer needed, as people definitely pay attention to local politics!” Maury said.

Maury believes that his life has truly become better since he became part of the first-name-gang.

“As my one-named icon Mergie once sang, everything can be G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S if you stop wasting time signing multiple names on legal documents,” Maury said.

Whether or not Maury is actually an acclaimed, mono-named celebrity is still up for debate, however. The Antibody Exposé spoke to several of Maury’s constituents about this topic.

“Who?” a confused passerby asked when questioned about Maury. “I’m sorry, I simply do not follow local elections.”