Many tourists around Aspen are known for their stylish outfits referred to as microwaves. Although this attire is extremely fashionable and has the potential to make anyone look like a professional skier, the intense radiation that they emit is one of the main causes of the climate crisis that our world is faced with today.

While carving down the mountain, there is no doubt that you will come across a skier with knees bent and hands out in front of them reaching for a nonexistent helping hand. They will be shredding a pizza, and rocking a shiny metallic ski outfit topped off with a gaper gap and Cloud Nine trucker hat strapped to their belt. When November rolls around, Aspen tends to attract a swarm of typical tourists who fit this description. Welcome to Aspen, where the air is thin, the prices are high, and the locals can’t wait to remind you that you aren’t one of them. Although we locals absolutely love sharing our town and mountains with tourists who spend more time taking selfies and checking their social media than actually attempting to ski or snowboard, the outfits that they bring with them have recently been blamed for global warming. Aspen has always despised tourists, but now we know the real reason why. Due to the metallic nature of these microwave ski suits, there have been radiation waves released into the atmosphere sending the Earth into a state similar to a microwave that’s been left on for too long, and now it’s starting to feel like we’re living in a baked potato.

Mary Metallica, an avid skier and owner of several microwaves (one for every color of the rainbow), has loved skiing since she bought a 15 million dollar house here in Aspen that she visits one week out of the year. Aside from skiing those groovy and rad-tastic seven days, she travels around the country from Florida to Texas to California, to visit her other mansions, and care for her pet chihuahuas.

“Darling, anyone can slide down a mountain on two planks, but it takes someone who can properly wear a microwave to glide effortlessly with grace and style,” Metallica said.

Due to human development, an increased amount of CO2 and other greenhouse gasses have been released, causing pollution and habitat loss around the world. Many believe that the main cause of this crisis is the burning of fossil fuels or intense deforestation. However recent studies made by Protect Our Frozen Water (POFW) show that the main source of radiation and warming in the atmosphere stems from microwaves stumbling down different ski resorts around the world. As Metallica hits the slopes with her fellow microwave-wearing enthusiasts supported by an organization named Protect Our Microwaves (POM), there seems to be a shift in the air quality. As skiers look up from the slope to the chairlift, the people floating in the air start to sneeze and pine needles start to fall to their snowy death. This is an active representation of the unhealthy chemicals being released into the atmosphere, causing global warming.

Another tourist who attempts to pull off the microwave style while visiting Aspen, Jolly Jerry, is like a fish out of water, except the fish is wearing skis and the water is now snow. Despite the freezing temperatures, he’s still sweating from the effort of trying to look cool on the slopes while secretly hoping that he doesn’t yardsale and live up to the true meaning of his name.

“I may be a mediocre skier, but at least my outfit is top-notch! I’m like a shiny disco ball on the slopes! I’ve never really thought about the impacts that my tremendous skiing style has on the environment, but due to recent comments circulating throughout the internet, I have realized that my fellow microwaves and I are being targeted,” Jerry said. “But honestly, fashion over a healthy environment, amiright?”