The student news site of Aspen High School


The student news site of Aspen High School


The student news site of Aspen High School


SATIRE - Spray Tan Booth Opening

SATIRE – Spray Tan Booth Opening

EEJ, D1 Lacrosse Payer April 1, 2023

As of March 22, AHS math teacher Chief Kiff opened a spray tan booth, claiming it is all that AHS needed to improve the campus. Chief Kiff has been teaching at AHS for years but was starting to get...



OIivia, staff cook April 1, 2023

Students at AHS want a short wacky Wednesday back instead of only having a Wacky Wednesday once a month.

SATIRE – Wacky Wednesday

Crash Christensen April 1, 2023

It’s safe to say that for the greater part of the second semester, Wednesdays have in fact been wacky. From snowy delayed starts, unexpected gas leaks, and harmful threats against the school, Wednesdays...

SATIRE - @taylorswiftlvr89: Taylor Swift in disguise?

SATIRE – @taylorswiftlvr89: Taylor Swift in disguise?

Gia, Staff April 1, 2023

@taylorswiftlvr89, Aspen High School’s beloved science teacher is not only an alumni and Harvard graduate but also the most passionate Taylor Swift Lover Aspen highschool has ever seen. Possibly too...

SATIRE- Pooh Shiesty Take Over

SATIRE- Pooh Shiesty Take Over

Hauren Schinney, Sorority Sisters April 1, 2023

What began as speculation of hazing is now confirmed to be pledging. All the sick days' boys lacrosse players have called in are negative for COVID and positive for frat flu. One may call bullshit,...

by Zlake Bilberman Staff Newbie

SATIRE – Controversy Surrounds North Korea Deployment Ex-Ed

Zlake Bilberman, Staff Newbie April 1, 2023

This year there will be many changes coming to the Ex-Ed program. Each year, in September, students participate in numerous different trips with their classmates. There are some outdoorsy options, such...

SkiCo and Moose battling it out in the court

SATIRE- Lawsuit: Wilson, the Buttermilk Moose, Walber v. Aspen Ski Co

Ry-a-Roo, Person That’s Going Places for Sure April 1, 2023

SATIRE - On June 6, 2023, the Pitkin County Courthouse has scheduled a civil trial between Wilson Walber the moose, formally a resident of Buttermilk mountain, against the defendant, Aspen Skiing Company....

SATIRE - Donald Turnips Song Tops Charts

SATIRE – Donald Turnip’s Song Tops Charts

Axman, Staff Procrastinator April 1, 2023

Look out, the new best of all time, most incredible album ever is here! By the one and only, our fav popstar, bankrupt businessman, and president, Dumb Turnip. Turnip’s single earlier this year, where...

SATIRE - Pory Carker Wins the Bachelor

SATIRE – Pory Carker Wins the Bachelor

Great Hologram, Staff AI April 1, 2023

Pory Carker secretly joined the 164th season of the Bachelor and took the gold - a.k.a goodbye to life and hello to wife! Game over for all of the single ladies of Aspen who are searching for a part-time...

SATIRE - Why AI Shouldnt Be Allowed In Schools

SATIRE – Why AI Shouldn’t Be Allowed In Schools

AI, Homework Helper April 1, 2023

AI software has become increasingly popular in schools, with some educators touting its benefits for enhancing student learning and engagement. Although there are great benefits, there are several reasons...

Former President Dumb Turnip and Mark Pencil passionately exchange loving vows on their wedding day.

SATIRE — New Anti-Women Act Only Small Part of Plan to Create Aryan America, Source Says

Orange Juice, Frank Ocean’s Side Piece April 1, 2023

SATIRE – On June 24, 2022, the Divided States Subordinate Court overturned Row. v. Wad, effectively dismantling an American citizen’s right to an abortion. However, this decision neglected to reflect...

Satire - Women are Better than Men

Satire – Women are Better than Men

Lightning McQueen, Staff Racer April 1, 2023

In 2022 men earn an average of 2.3% of what women make. Inequitable pay began in the 1860s when people brought up the idea of “equal work, equal pay,” stating that men and women work the same amount,...

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