SATIRE- Pooh Shiesty Take Over

What began as speculation of hazing is now confirmed to be pledging. All the sick days’ boys lacrosse players have called in are negative for COVID and positive for frat flu.

One may call bullshit, but the pledges will say “no cap” but will not go further due to the secret pledging. We tried to investigate what was occurring off the field, but all interviewees remained silent, afraid they would lose the trust of the presidents.

This year’s spring pledge class is quite small, with a solid three freshmen aiming to reach their full potential both in lacrosse and Greek life. We thought it was odd when we saw the freshman shotgunning their electrolytes before the game, yelling “practice makes perfect.”

We now know their pre-game rituals from a source we cannot name. The ritual begins with the freshman being trapped in the school boiler room overnight with nothing but a shiesty and a speaker playing “Munch” by ice spice. In the morning, they write a well-detailed paper on why bullying builds character and how it forms future generations of being “that guy.” Before coach Leg Day comes into the locker room. They must clean and polish the floors with their full bladders after spending the night in the boiler room. The cleanliness makes for high spirits in the locker room but don’t worry; spirits aren’t as high as the asteroid on the team.

After hearing about this, we could have never imagined that there would be more to the pledging than the boiler room. The pledges, or the “Three musketeers,” were each assigned a certain pledge task. First up, we have The Weatherman, who originally was the MVP, but quickly made his way to last place as he failed to report the small hurricane that hit AHS last Saturday. The Brothers, or sorry, the Boys Lax team, said that his screw-up would not go unnoticed #BL4L. Next up is the young boy who is always seen carrying around his lightsaber, ready for battle or any obstacle that comes his way. When people ask why he does this, he only responds with, “I’m the last Jedi.” Lastly, my favorite is the Where’s Waldo pledge. He must dress up every day at both school, lacrosse, and other events as Waldo and be in every picture taken. Overall, it sounds like fraternity life blows, and our article sucks lacrosse balls. However props to the frat presidents for being so creative and inclusive with the freshman, way to go boys lax, good job getting rid of hazing! #StayWoke #PiKappaAlpha