SATIRE – Pory Carker Wins the Bachelor


Pory Carker secretly joined the 164th season of the Bachelor and took the gold – a.k.a goodbye to life and hello to wife!

Game over for all of the single ladies of Aspen who are searching for a part-time English teacher, part-time basketball coach, part-time FBI spy, and part-time balloon animal artist. This season took place in majestic Indiana because nothing is more romantic than watching the sunset over rolling corn fields.

He faced the challenge of choosing his perfect wifey from thirty well-rounded women. These lucky ladies traveled from far and wide to be in the presence of P. Carker. Faces from Nebraska, Kansas, South Dakota, and even Oklahoma were present at the barn. He slowly “voted his options off the island” or, in his case, the farm. Carker spent hours deciding who his five starting babes were going to be. Knowing him, he went for height, and athleticism.

Carker knew how to put the contestants to the REAL test. Any wrong move and they would be scratched off his list.

Bonding activities were given to the possible couples to test the real connection. Week one consisted of blindfolded Ferrari driving, testing the trust of a couple. The second week presented a dual trapeze over a shark pit, testing the collaboration of the couple. Week three introduced making gingerbread “barns” with their feet, to test the strength of the couple. All activities assisted in Carker’s decision of finding his perfect Cuddly Wuddly Snuggle Bunny Snookums Schmoopsie Poo – He has a thing for pet names.

All footage will be aired on June 35th 2023, at 15:00 pm after The Average Joe’s play The Rockford Peaches at The Best Baller Bonanza. There, it will be revealed who Pory Carker gave the rose to, declaring his forever soulmate.