SATIRE — We have all been excited to hear about the new additions to the school rules. High Aspen School has announced a new set of rules aimed at maximizing student productivity and academic excellence. The centerpiece of this innovative educational upgrade? Absolutely no breaks during the school day – excluding seniors, coupled with nightly homework marathons lasting until midnight since you have all eight classes. The rule has been put in place in order to make students broaden their knowledge on random, forced classes that students have absolutely no interest in.

There is exciting talk about not being able to leave the school property throughout the whole school year, only every going home for the summer. Students will be required to either be doing homework or talking to teachers and not even beable to leave school to get food. Students will only be required to wait in the long lines for lunch with limited amount of time to sit and eat. And better yet, if you don’t have enough money in your account it’s not possible to buy lunch, otherwise you could have your parents wake up early before work to make and bring you food. By the time it actually gets to lunch time your sandwich will be mushy and chips crushed into dust.

Every year the length of the school year seems to get longer and longer. The staff of High Aspen School tend to blame this all on the state of Colorado. This coming year students will be excited to learn that the school year will be 365 days long. Additional schedule changes include, one day weekends and to meet the state standards for learning time there will also be a shorter lunch time of 20 minutes. Extended time throughout the summer will also be mandatory and is to be called Summer Studious Sessions, by giving it this new name it seems different and even possibly exciting.

The High Aspen School has finally figured out the heating throughout the school. They have realized that in the winter students usually bring their jackets to school so they must be bringing them for in school, and because of this the air conditioning will be turned on during the winter to put those jackets to use. During the summer they will be putting the heating on because obviously, students are wearing shorts and no sweaters so they can be hot in school as well as outside.

These are only a few of the new exciting improvements that the school has come up with for the 2024/28 school year. For more information please visit the school website highaspenschool.com