SATIRE – Spray Tan Booth Opening

SATIRE - Spray Tan Booth Opening

As of March 22, AHS math teacher Chief Kiff opened a spray tan booth, claiming it is all that AHS needed to improve the campus.

Chief Kiff has been teaching at AHS for years but was starting to get bored of it when he thought of the idea for his spray tan booth. Kiff opened this booth last Wednesday and has been getting lots of business ever since.

“I have always been super passionate about getting a good, glowing, tan,” Kiff said.

He dropped his first and third periods, in order to have enough time throughout the week for this side hustle. The students that were in these dropped classes are required to stay in the class during this time and help Kiff with his spray tan customers. These students will receive credit for helping the booth and they will be considered official spray tan enthusiasts. Kiff believes that this is a great opportunity for the AHS community and it is a fun way to bring a pop of color to our campus. This was “the perfect side hustle for a teacher like me”, Kiff stated in an interview, also stating, “the proceeds are going to my beloved track team and their brand new swag.”

Kiff is hoping that this spray tan booth will help out his track team this season and take home a state championship win. He is spray tanning all of his track runners’ muscles to make them look “more intimidating to opponents”, and he is spending over $3000 on their new team apparel. All this money will come from the new spray tan booths’ profit. Kiff charges $60 for a regular spray tan but gives his students 40% off if they have a “B” or higher in his class. Spray tans are forbidden for anyone who is/has failed any of Kiff’s classes, unless these students agree to help the booth and its customers for the rest of the school year.

“Students need to understand that this is an opportunity for them and they need to be working hard in order to get a beautiful, golden orange glow,” Kiff said, “Big shoutout to the boys’ basketball team for helping me so much with this process.”

The AHS boys’ basketball team helps Kiff by letting him test out his new spray tan mixtures on them. His spray tan mixtures are created using scraps from the AHS kitchen.

“Primarily orange peels and dark food scraps are what work best for these mixtures,” Kiff said. Luckily, the boys’ basketball team graciously volunteered to be the guinea pigs of Kiff’s mixtures. This benefits the boys’ basketball team as well, making them extra golden orange for their competitions.

“Thank you to the many people that are helping me make my childhood dreams come true,” Kiff said.

(This is all an advertisement – Chief Kiff paid me to write this. USE CODE EEJ FOR 50% OFF ALL SPRAY TANS)