School is now 24/7

SATIRE-As of April 1st, students will be attending school 24/7 due to a lack of instructional hours.

Families will be forced to say goodbye to their children on April 1st and will not be allowed to contact them again until school gets out for the year on June 7th. Sports activities are expected to practice from 3:00 am until 5:00 am, which is odd because those hours are typically used for sleeping.

During sleep hours all students will need to go to their set room, with a sleeping bag with each student’s name on it. If the student is not in the sleeping bag, they will be marked absent and receive sleep detention. During sleep detention, students will not be allowed to sleep and instead have to practice for a marathon they will not even run.

Breakfast will be Raisin Bran with extra raisins. Lunch will be burnt toast and finally, dinner will be a bowl of peas. The café will no longer be open because the food staff needs to focus on making three delicious meals daily. If students are severely sick they will have to quarantine in the kitchen where all the food will be made. Otherwise, students need to be attending all school classes and activities. Parents, students, and staff have many mixed emotions about the new schedule but according to Sarah Strasshotdog, this was the only option which she found out about by reading the newspaper.

“I’m actually very excited to be locked in this school till June 7th. It means I can bust more people for vaping and make sure no one is doing anything fun or throwing any parties,” Strasshotdog said.

Many students are feeling the opposite. In fact, one student even tried to set the school on fire with a trash can, another tried to break the pipe systems by kicking the faucet off, and a third pranked the school that there was a gas leak.

“Are you f***** kidding me this is the dumbest s*** I’ve ever heard. I’m so f***** done with this school,” Stay-Out-Late-All-Night said.

On the other hand, most parents are looking forward to having their kids out of the house.

“I’m excited because now I can actually use all of the stuff I’ve confiscated from my kids. In fact, I think all of the parents are planning to combine items and throw a huge rager,” Mrs. Range-Rover said.