BREAKING NEWS: In a shocking turn of events, a local teen’s dreams of higher education were destroyed not by lack of potential, but by forgetting to include a bribe with their college application.
During the past couple of months, high school seniors have been consumed by the college admissions process. Not only have students been asked to summarize their whole life into a three-page application, but the system has become increasingly rigged that even the top students in their classes are getting denied from prestigious schools.
Sources revealed that the anonymous teenager, who had spent countless hours obsessing over standardized test scores, perfecting extracurricular activities, and meticulously crafting their application essays, was left utterly flabbergasted upon receiving a rejection letter from their dream university.
“It’s absurd,” exclaimed the high school senior who wishes to remain anonymous in order to avoid further embarrassment and humiliation. “I did everything right! I studied tirelessly, volunteered in my community, poured my heart and soul into my application, heck I even donated my organs to those in need! What more could they want from me?”
The admissions officer in question who rejected this student confirmed that while the teenager’s credentials were indeed impressive, they failed to adhere to the tradition of slipping an envelope stuffed with cash or a hefty check into the hands of the decision-makers.
“We receive thousands of applications each year,” said the admissions officer. “You can’t simply expect us to remember every single applicant who doesn’t make a financial contribution to the university.”
In response to this incident, the student’s family is currently hiring a team of lawyers to explore the legal obligations of this debacle. The parents argue that their child’s denial represents discrimination against honest families who can’t afford to play the game of bribery.
“Apparently, I forgot the golden rule: always bring a briefcase full of cash to the admissions office,” said the anonymous high school senior, rolling their eyes.
As the story of the local teenager spreads like wildfire, it serves as an important reminder of the absurdity of the college application system that values wealth over genuine, hard-working students. There is an urgent need for reform in this broken system. Until then, the anonymous local teenager and countless others like them will continue to be casualties of a system that prioritizes privilege over potential.
