SATIRE — Apple High School is known for many things, among these are skiing, freshman functions, and of course, our world-famous steam rooms, (invite only). If you can get past all of these things on the outside however, (and the flavored air seeping out of the steam rooms at all times of the day) it’s easy to see what Apple High School really is all about; the expansion of knowledge!

Here at AHS, the only thing higher than our elevation are our students. That is along with 25% of the state’s population. Along our halls, you can see every student who has ever graduated from our fine institution, (go slices!) Lucky for you fellow slice, you can go and talk to half of the AHS class of ‘07 by just walking down to the science wing! I’m sure they won’t be tired of fifty 16-year-olds telling them about their relationship drama from 9 am to 4 pm; (sorry @taylorswiftlvr89).

You can always bet on Apple Slices being excited and ready to learn as soon as they take the treacherous walk up from the middle school parking lot in the freezing cold. Students are also loving all the guidelines set out for them by the administration. These include staying on campus for SET and free periods, only seniors being able to leave during our 10-minute lunch break, and of course the upcoming phone ban, a new fan favorite.

The average Apple Slice possesses either a love or hate relationship with Down Valley schools. Whether you’re a transplant or you’ve been an Apple Slice all your life, it’s easy to see how 20 minutes down the road makes everything seem different. Either we’re mad that we never win against any of the four schools at homecoming or maybe we’re just sick of them showing up at every single football game (I’m looking at you Bapepper, please go home).

While Apple High School has its unique quirks, the hunger for drama is especially prevalent. Whether it’s a weekend debrief in the ‘big stall’ or an in-class catch-up with your favorite alumni, information is the fastest moving thing at AHS; unlike people in the commons (which seems to have some correlation). So while the average unsuspecting student could be desperately trying to navigate the corn maze that we call the commons, getting through the herd of gossip-loving freshman and junior duos will be awaiting you as soon as you step foot into what you think is a faster way to get to class. That is, however, if you can also get past the the group of seniors by the beach windows (#bringbacktheboat2024) that are anxiously awaiting graduation and by tradition, skipping their seemingly “pointless” electives swearing that they have a free period. This is a reminder to the class of 2024 that your Spanish class will tank your GPA if you refuse to show up.

Say that two students have an argument in the commons during period one, every student in all of AHS will be talking about it by the third. With 500 kids and a painstakingly long winter season, something has to get students through the gray skies and cold downstairs math classes(that 5-minute lunch break isn’t doing the trick). Or on the off chance that someone hosts a function at their house (most regularly in “Staroak”) stories from the night will carry past till the following weekend. Maybe it’s the small population that contributes to the spread of brain-numbingly unnecessary knowledge, we do not need to know that Mango and Pineapple are talking (I promise you we don’t care) or the fact that Apple Highschool students have nothing better to do; minus skiing, which I’m convinced is just gossip on chair lifts and in ski gear.

At the end of the day, Apple High School is a special place full of special people and not because we live in a town that out-ranks NYC when it comes to wealthy home-owners (however, living a block away from William H. Macy must be pretty cool) ultimately we’re special due to the insane amount of real estate agents ready to upsell you a home on Red Butteian and teach their kids how to do it too (however I’ve heard it’s a dying art, so get on that soon, future real estate agents).