Hydro flasks sold at Cafe


Photo courtesy of Avalanche Batcher

Mister passes out Hydro Flask to students at AHS.

SATIRE-The students of Aspen High School have an obsession with keeping their water cold. As one walks in the halls, one can hear the ice cubes in student’s waterbottle clagging around. The recent parental concern regarding cold water has resulted in the addition of Hydro Flasks to the Cafe. Carrie Crazylady, mother of Kurt Crazylady, was one of the main reasons Hydro Flasks were added to the Cafe.

“I worry for my little Kurt; he is sometimes so rushed in the morning that he isn’t able to get his Hydro-lask. He will call me later in the day and tell me he had to drink from the water fountain! You heard that right-the water fountain! This germ-filled warm water fountain has affected my little boy from getting all A’s! He has come home sick multiple times. I can’t pick him up, though, because I go to the Bahamas every other week,” Crazylady said.

The Hydro Flasks have made a big difference in Crazylady’s life.

“Since the hydro flasks have been sold at the cafe, my Kurt gets all the fresh cold water that he needs. He still has ice in his Hydro Flask when he goes to play varsity soccer, and since he is the captain, he must be on his top game,” Crazylady says.

The Burgermeister has found a new solution to catching students juuling due to the Hydro Flask being sold at the cafe. “Catching students juuling has gotten so much easier. Students are leaving class to fill up their water bottles, but little do they know that I know that those Hydro Flasks are the perfect hiding spot for a Juul. Walking past the bathroom I can hear the faintest clamor of metal and that’s my cue. “It’s just ice, Burgermeister,” or “I swear I’m just getting a drink of water.” “Sure, sure,” I respond and tell them to open up their bottles. Every time, there it is. I’m 20 for 20 and I just keep catching them. I think they might even consider changing my job title to Juul Catcher,” Burgermeister said.

Joe Whine, a student at AHS, has seen new problems with the Hydro-lasks being sold.

“When I walk in the hallway, all I can hear is the clanging from the Hydro Flasks hitting the ground when someone drops theirs. I can no longer find my own water bottle because there are 50 other blue ones just like mine. I put a sticker on it to differentiate it from the others, but now everyone puts stickers on them because its a trend. The Hydro Flask has got to go\; I can’t see any more girls buying one of every color and having to carry them all at once,” Whine said.

According to Sheron Mulfruit, the water bottles will be staying.

“I am loving Hydro Flasks being sold at the cafe. I have one of each color in my office, and I am able to carry my mint cholate chip frappuccino and have it be cold until the staff meeting later that day,” Mulfruit says.