In a highly anticipated press conference with all three of his supporters, Tangerine Toddler announced the launch of his new luxury self-tanning oil: Hawaiian Trumpic.

Standing before a tasteful vinyl banner reading MAKE AMERICA TAN AGAIN, Tangerine Toddler approached the podium with the confidence of a man who has never once considered that someone wouldn’t want to look like him.

“Hawaiian Tangerine Toddleric,” he said, “is the most advanced bronzing technology ever developed. This is because I’ve studied tanning. Very few people know this. The sun? I understand it better than anyone. Better than scientists, those big sun watchers.”

The product, described as “radiance in a patriotic bottle,” promises what the campaign is calling a “perfect shade.” Application instructions are refreshingly simple: apply generously, never apologize, and make enemies with neighboring countries while you are using it.

When asked about product testing, Tangerine Toddler responded firmly:

“It’s been tested by the best person possible. Me. I have been field testing for decades. Everyone says I’m the most beautiful shade of tan a human has ever seen, which should be enough testing for you.”

Moments later, a second reporter attempted to revisit the FDA question.

“It has MY approval,” Tangerine Toddler repeated, with the patience of a man explaining WiFi to a grandparent. “That’s stronger than the FDA. Everybody knows that.”

Within minutes of the announcement during a press conference break, Tangerine Toddler posted an official update on Truth Social:

“HAWAIIAN TRUMPIC IS A TOTAL SUCCESS. MANY PEOPLE SAY IT’S THE BEST COLOR THEY’VE EVER SEEN. VERY TAN. VERY PRESIDENTIAL!!!”

As the event concluded, Tangerine Toddler asked a rhetorical question to end his product launch.

“I mean, who doesn’t want to look like me?!”