ASPEN, COLORADO – In a move experts think may have been inspired by ‘lack-of-snow rage’, Always High School (AHS) principal Strasshotdog has announced brutal punishments for students using MacBooks in class. The school previously instituted draconian measures to force everyone to use Acer-branded bricks (sorry, Chromebook), but, despite the school bringing in police, military, and Russian mafia enforcers, students refused to comply.

“Clearly, baseball bats and broken kneecaps are insufficient to beat the scourge of MacBooks,” Strasshotdog said. “So we’re beginning punishments including targeted smear campaigns, cruise missiles, and nuclear annihilation of everything holy to try to convince people not to use Apple products.”

In an exclusive interview, the administration explained how it will prevent MacBook use. If a student is discovered using a MacBook, they are first frog-marched to the top of the Bowl by mafia enforcers and have to boot-ski down.

“Honestly, it’s kinda fun,” senior Granny Smith said. “My Mac makes a surprisingly good snowboard when I need it to.”

From there, the school has decided to hire a specialized anti-Mac special operations team to respond to any personal computer that the network detects. In addition to the initial $500,000 the school spent on Chromebooks, AHS has requested $50 billion from the government to train, equip, and keep ready off-duty Navy SEALs for the team.

“Our thinking is this: if you’re using your Mac and suddenly ten Tier 1 special operators run into the room, tackle you, and extract you in a Blackhawk helicopter to an undisclosed location, are you really going to use it again?” Strasshotdog asked. “We really hope you won’t.”

The administration recognizes, however, that Navy SEALs alone are often insufficient to destroy the will of a student wanting to use a Mac. Thus, AHS has procured approximately 200 tactical nuclear weapons from the former Soviet Union for anti-Macbook targeting.

“So, you’ve survived the mafia enforcers and military at this point,” Strasshotdog said. “And, because the threat of imprisonment and Navy SEALs wasn’t enough, you decided to keep using your Mac. There is no hope for you. So we’re dropping a tactical nuclear weapon on you.”

The weapons have been dialed down to kiloton yield, so they pose “only a major existential threat” to the continued existence of every student in the school. The effectiveness of nuclear weapons as an anti-personal-computer measure remains to be seen.

“Nukes don’t scare me,” student and self-proclaimed MacBook lover Cosmic Crispy said. “You can incinerate me, you can get military special operators in camo gear to arrest me, but I’ll never stop using my Mac.”