On the first of every month I promptly go online and research my horoscope. Actually that’s a lie. Somehow horoscopes pop into my Facebook feed or appear as side advertisements, and more often than not due to my lack of self control I click on them to see what I am predicted to do this month. Usually I get some lovely message about how the stars are going to align in my favor and I will soon find a new source of income or meet my future husband. Well, 17 years of horoscopes later and I am broke and single. Awesome.

So, here is a reality scope. Totally legit. Totally real. Totally what will happen to you this month.

Aquarius- You’ll stub your toe today.

Pisces- I, the author of this article, am I Pisces, so I wish to all of my fellow friends that we all have a better month than everyone else and by the way you all look great and you will make a lot of money and be hella  successful. You keep on doing you.

Aries- You are having feelings of being a failure, and you’re not wrong.

Taurus- An unexpected guest will visit you next Thursday. I advice you buy some bear repellent and a small rifle if you want to see Friday.

Gemini- Because your sign is Gemini people may abbreviate that to call you a gem…you are not a gem. You are average. Maybe even below average.

Cancer- You have the wonderful quality of making people laugh (at you).

Leo- You’ll get assigned a rather large paper soon. You’ll tell yourself you won’t procrastinate but let’s be honest. Two weeks from now it’ll be 3:00 am and you’ll be crying over your half gallon of chocolate ice cream trying wishing you could go back and slap your past self.

Virgo- The “person of your dreams” is probably just going to stay there…

Libra- Someone else has been calling your best friend their best friend and a brawl will soon erupt.

Scorpio- Do you like cats? Because something about you screams that you are going to be that person in the future that lives with forty of them.

Sagittarius- I am going to politely tell you that maybe you should work out a little more and pass on the chocolate cake.

Capricorn- You’re the type of person that trips going up the stairs.