Health CARE saves patients from medical debt despair


Photo by K8lyn O'ham

Health CARE doctors informing a patient that they transplanted a cow heart instead of a human one during hip surgery.

SATIRE– With overcrowded hospitals and lack of medical supplies due to the pandemic, many are now opting out of traditional health care and are turning to the back alley medical clinic, Health CARE.

Health CARE allows patients to receive fast and affordable medical care in 30 minutes or less. Due to its rapid nature, Health CARE avoids overcrowding and promotes cost-effective treatments.

CEO of Health CARE, Ed Wrestler, founded the clinic after an emotional breakdown at General Hospital.

“At the Health CARE clinic, we value your time and money and offer the best back-alley medical care in the U.S.,” Wrestler said.

Brooke Pupil, a broke college student, was treated at the Health CARE clinic for COVID-19.

“I’m pretty sure the treatment gave me the new strain of COVID, but honesty, I don’t have health insurance, and I wasn’t about to drown in even more debt, so it was my last resort,” Pupil said. “Gotta love capitalism.”

Legolas Armstrong, a Health CARE patient, went to the clinic seeking medical attention for a torn ACL on his left leg, which promptly resulted in the amputation of his right one.

“It’s cheaper and faster. Sure, I’ll miss my leg, but totally worth it,” Armstrong said.

Dr. Apple Day, the head surgeon at Health CARE, joined the clinic staff after a violent fight over a scalpel at her previous job. She enjoys saving lives at an affordable rate every day.

“The hospitals are a war zone. Doctors fight over ventilators and medical supplies, and patients are thrown out on the streets to make space. I found solace at Health CARE. People are in and out in less than 30 minutes. Everyone is happy,” Day said.

Cap Italism, CEO of all hospitals in the United States, is vehemently against Health CARE.
“We have the best darn health care in the world! This is America- people who complain are just lazy and need to work harder to afford it. It is a privilege to go thousands of dollars in debt for a health issue you have no control over,” Italism said.