The student news site of Aspen High School


The student news site of Aspen High School


The student news site of Aspen High School


Boe Jiden Abolishes the AARP


SATIRE – Octogenarian, Boe Jiden has decided to abolish the AARP – and to the surprise of Gen-Zers across the nation, Mo Ann Benkins, AARP’s CEO, agreed. Ms. Benkins has been CEO of the party for over 10 years, and believes that as a whole, AARP creates too many ‘lazy’ people.

“We don’t want that image – of people not working,” said Benkins. “That is why I agree with Boe.”

Jiden, as the Chairman of Falling Down airplane stairs, released a vlog on X stating that he had the authority to abolish the association.

“With the authority invested in me by… I don’t remember the official words but… anyways, I am abolishing the American Association of Retired Persons,” said Mr. Jiden, on [date redacted for security] his 80th birthday. “I’m eighty, and I’m working hard in a good job – so why should anyone else retire!”

You may be curious, what of the AARP’s 100 million hardworking retired persons? To placate the masses – after all, retired people need unions too – Jiden proposed the American Workers Party (AWP) to the outrage of many politicians. Opposition party leader Tonald Drump was especially outspoken against the idea, while an alleged communist and vehement supporter of Carl Marx’s ideas Burny Sander believes,

“This will be a great thing for America. I’m too cold to say why – I need my mittens – but this will be great,” Sander said.

Drump attacked Sander’s support of the AWP, calling it communist and saying that it was too helpful to Americans – that it would make them lazy.” Sander may have been offended, but his Botoxed face revealed no surprise;
“Yeah, it might be a little communist,” said Sander. “But – couldn’t we always use more communism in our—” before he was interrupted by Jiden. Jiden, who has not received Botox and may be from another planet, released a statement condemning the allegations of Sander and Drump.

“I am not a communist!” said Jiden in a disorganized speech on Friday. (At this point, Mr. Jiden leaned to his left and asked his chief of policy if this statement was indeed true, and he was not a communist. His chief replied that no, the man who won the Democratic nomination for chairman of falling down stairs was not, indeed, a communist). “This will help Americans work, and everyone will be equal, yes – maybe the AWP will own all of their property – but that’s not communist!” (Mr. Jiden’s Chief of Staff walked onto stage after this statement, and declared that, due to a security risk, that would be the last question Jiden would take).

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