The student news site of Aspen High School


The student news site of Aspen High School


The student news site of Aspen High School


Skiers in Aspen Petition for Heated Chairlifts

Mad Lad
Aspen “locals” daydreaming about the luxuries that the heated chairlifts will bring to the mountains.

Aspen Colorado is already synonymous with its luxury and poise, however, throughout this current ski season, CoSki has been receiving requests for an even more elevated standard of sophistication.

The beginning of the 2023-24 ski season started off strong with the new addition of Loser’s lift on Aspen Mountain. This high-speed quad not only turned 153 acres of powder into icy bumps but also provided the Aspen population with a new plush lift to ride while summoning your personal chauffeur to meet you at the bottom of the mountain. Although Aspen Snowmass is one of the bougiest ski towns in the United States, in an unexpected turn of events, tourists flocking to this destination have begun making rather astonishing requests, with some suggesting the installation of heated chairlifts.

It appears that the chill of the Rocky Mountains isn’t quite what these visitors had in mind when seeking a winter retreat. Amidst the allure of Aspen’s high-end boutiques and gourmet dining, some visitors have forgotten that embracing the crisp mountain air is part of the experience.

Chad Cashmere is the owner of several houses in the valley however calls Miami Beach his true home. During Cashmere’s spontaneous trips out to Aspen in his private jet, he notices that his perfect “Aspen experience” has been interrupted by the brisk breezes that chill him to the bone while riding the chairlift.

“I didn’t fly all the way to Aspen to have my bottom frozen like a snow cone on these treacherous lifts! I demand heated seats. I deserve nothing less than a toasty embrace as I continue to shred the slopes,” Cashmere said.

Klaus Oberlemon is a long-time local in the Aspen area and has been skiing his whole life and even has a run named after him on Milkbutter. Oberlemon deeply understands and appreciates the Aspen ski culture, unlike the tourists who visit merely for their Instagram feeds.

“Heated chairlifts? What’s next, personal butlers on the slopes? This is absurd!” Oberlemon remarked on the idea proposed by Cashmere.

One can only imagine the absurdity of such an idea; skiers reclining leisurely as if on a tropical beach. Perhaps next, they’ll petition for heated ski runs to prevent the injustice of chilly and icy descents. Those edges need something to hold on to! Oh, the lengths they will go to escape a small shiver in the winter wonderland of Aspen. Perhaps it’s time for these winter enthusiasts to trade in their fur-lined parkas for a dose of genuine outdoor adventure.

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