The student news site of Aspen High School


The student news site of Aspen High School


The student news site of Aspen High School


Exclusive – Marriage Certificate Uncovered

SATIRE – Coming to you live with an exclusive transcript from 50 Fake News uncovering the secret wedding that occurred on February 30, 2012.

Joe Dirt: Here we are folks, live at the wedding of a century, let’s listen in.

Background: “I pronounce thee husband and wife”.

Joe Dirt: Well, we all know who the wife is. It has just been confirmed that Sleepy Joe and Orange Man are wedded in a secret ceremony in Florida. While this may come as a shock to many, including me, it is true they are lawfully married. It seems as though they have been keeping their relationship secret for many many years now and covering it up with pure hatred towards each other.

Peewee Pimple Hair: Most of the world is wondering, what would a wedding between a Sleepy Joe and an Orange Man, would look like Well, picture this it’s about 5pm in Palm Beach, Florida which is home to an Orange Man’s beautiful home that is filled with flowers made of his allegations. Wait a minute, where is Sleepy Joe, has anybody seen him?

Peewee Pimple Hair: Wait, I found him he just fell down the stairs eating ice cream. I’ll get him up. Imagine them walking down the aisle, an orange man dressed head to toe in the most beautiful wedding dress, shit orange man your fake tan is coming off on it, come on. Sleep Joe is gracefully walking down the aisle, Sleepy Joe! Sleepy Joe! Stop you can’t be whispering to the flower girl, she is just trying to do her job, yes Sleepy Joe you do look creepy as hell. Ok, we finally made it to the altar, say your vows guys. And the time finally comes,

Fake email girl: “I object”

Joe Dirt: Hillary sits down, no you don’t, “I object too”, Kamala stops it. Ok, does anybody else object, no good decision. I now pronounce you husband and, sorry orange man do you want to be identified as wife?

Orange Man: “I am a he/him, enough of this pronoun bullshit, ok, I pronounce you husband and husband, you may kiss your husband!”

Joe Dirt: Now comes the after party ladies and gentleman, the party of a century, get ready… The night started off with the daddy, son dance. But since our grooms are well, well, well, WELL, past their prime their daddys are not with us today (RIP). So, I guess let’s just move on to the couples dance.

Peewee Pimple Hair: Gosh, just look at those two.

Woman: “Joe, we did it, we did it Joe.”

Peewee Pimple Hair: woman how many times must we listen to you say that, enough. Wow, this night has just been filled with all kinds of surprises hasn’t it. It didn’t stop there, as the night went on sleepy Joe tried and failed to give a speech, the majority of the crowd seemed just as lost as he was. And FINALLY, the night came to an end, and the divorce came about a month after such a special night.


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