absences = won’t graduate


Photo by Hannah Popish

The class of 2020’s graduation ceremony, featuring only those students with perfect attendence.

SATIRE- In an effort to get students to come to school, the AHS attendance policy has changed, and now, if a student gets one single absence throughout their four years at AHS, that student will not graduate.

In past years, according to the AHS website, the attendance policy has been that students must attend 85% of their scheduled classes, or they will receive a withdraw fail in the class. Students cannot miss more than seven classes, including unexcused, parent excused, and pre-arranged absences due to travel. This does not include sports or school-sanctioned activities.

Susman is a senior at AHS and is notorious for going to less than 50% of his classes over his last three years. The new attendance policy changed just for his senior year, and it will heavily affect him.

“Screw this! I wasn’t sure if I was going to graduate before, but I’m definitely not going to graduate now. Who cares, it’s not like I was gonna graduate from this ditch anyways,” Susman exclaimed.

Bernadettie Spaghetti is an IB Math teacher and very passionate about attendance. She is thrilled about this new attendance policy and is excited about the school forcing students to come to her class.

“I’m thrilled about the new attendance policy. The highlight of my day is seeing the students fall asleep in boredom in my class and dropping a textbook by their heads to wake them up. I’m very excited to see their faces every morning for the rest of the year, and maybe longer if they are absent more than once,” Spaghetti says.

The Burgermeister is AHS’s assistant principal. She is excited that students are being forced to come to school but knows that it will affect lots of people in the school, causing many people to not graduate.

“I’m so glad that, from now on, every student will hear my announcement at 8:03 am every morning to go to class. I understand that this new policy is going to heavily impact the students, but hey, that’s what you get for not coming to school, right?” Burgermeister says.

Students, unless you don’t want to graduate, COME TO SCHOOL!